Pastor Bob, The Builder

The University of Stupid

2011-06-01T13:50:00.000-07:00

"Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to the Commencement Exercise of the University of Stupid graduating class of 2011. Our institute is dedicated to prepare our students to excel in the following areas--being dense in their interpersonal relationships, being thick headed in their interaction with co-workers, friends, and especially fellow church members. Once we move from interpersonal relationships, we work on their relationship with God. In all areas of study, our proud graduates have worked hard to be obstinate, thick headed and stubborn. They work hard to have the proud title of 'Fool.'

I can recall clearly when our freshmen first entered four years ago. They were quiet as they entered our halls. They didn’t say much, but were just getting started on their journey to total stupidity. Their class motto is found in Proverbs 17:28. 'Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent and discerning and if he holds his tongue.'

After only one year with us at the University of Stupid, they learned a lot and they grew to understand Proverbs 12:15, 'The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.' Our sophomores will not listen to any advice. Their class motto is popular among the public, and some politicians--'My mind is made up, don’t confuse me with facts!'

Our faculty watched with pride as they moved on from keeping silent and being stubborn. They mastered the devil’s greatest tool, which is evil and hurtful speech. Proverbs 18:13 says, 'He who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame.' Proverbs 10:18 is, 'He who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool.'

Some of our more successful students at the University of Stupid even took summer school. They studied hard in areas of arguing. Proverbs 20:3says, 'It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.' Some took advanced courses in laziness like from Ecclesiastes 4:5, 'The fool folds his hands and ruins himself.'

Ecclesiastes 10:12-13 sums up the course of study in being fools at the University of Stupid. 'Words from a wise man’s mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips. At the beginning his words are folly, at the end they are wicked madness and the fool multiplies words.'

Each senior at the University of Stupid then has to pass the senior project. He or she has moved from silence to being stubborn and self centered, and then using their speech and actions to hurt others and the cause of Christ. The senior project at the University of Stupid is summed up in this passage from Psalms 15:1, 'The fool says in his heart, 'there is no God.'

At this point, the student is a graduate from the University of Stupid. The University of Stupid (or U.S.) has turned their back on God, and His message of love, grace, and showing us how to live peacefully in this world."

Where do YOU study?

The "Perfect" Church

2011-02-18T14:35:00.001-08:00

Usher: “Hi, welcome to the Perfect Church. Our ushers will help you find a seat.”
Visitor #1: “That’s okay, I can seat myself.”
Usher: “Oh, we insist. Our seating gets pretty full. Plus, since most of our membership is people from other churches, we organize our seats into groups based on what church people are from. That way, you can sit with people you are comfortable with.”
Visitor #1: “Okay, that sounds weird, but whatever you say.”
Usher: “Now, what church have you been attending?”
Visitor #1: “I’ve been going to “The Don’tlikethepastorssermon Christian Fellowship.”
Usher: “Very good, the other usher will lead you to your seat. Here is your bulletin. Hi folks, where are you from?”
Visitor #2: ”We’ve been attending “Nothingformykids” Chapel.
Usher: “Over there to your left. Good morning Ma’am, where are you from?”
Visitor #3: “We’ve been attending “I’mnotbeingfed Church.”
Usher: “Oh that is our largest section. Just over to the right.”
Visitor #1 (Calling Usher to his seat): “Could I ask a few questions?”
Usher: “Of course sir. How can I help you?”
Visitor #1: “These padded recliners are comfortable. What are these headsets for?”
Usher: “See that dial next to your seat? We have over 760 channels of Christian music. You simply pick the songs you want to sing, select the style in which you want to sing them, and worship away.”
Visitor #1: “What is that switch?”
Usher: “These are our preaching styles. We have Charles Stanley, Billy Graham and Joel Olsteen just to name a few. We have thousands of popular preachers, preaching their best messages, on any topic you wish.”
Visitor #2 (walks up): “Hi, I notice in your bulletin that you don’t have an offering time.”
Usher: “Oh, no, sir. We don’t want your money.”
Visitor #2: “I also don’t see any volunteer lists.”
Usher: “That’s why we are the perfect church for a lot of people. We don’t want you to do anything. It all exists for you, sir. We don’t make any demands of you. You don’t have to change your lifestyle or beliefs in any way.”
Visitor #3: “I was going to ask about that. Do you have a statement on what your church believes?”
Usher: “I don’t really understand your question.”
Visitor #2: “So, what translation do you use?”
Usher: “Here.” (Hands him a book.)
Visitor #2: (Opens it) “But the pages are blank!”
Usher: “Use the enclosed pen or keyboard. You can write down what you believe and live by that.”
Visitor #1: “Are you saying the perfect church is me?”
Usher: “A lot of people believe that.”
Visitor #3: “Do you folks have any central message?"
Usher: “We do, but it’s a something many people don’t know. Just look up.”
Visitor 2: “Look up?”
Usher: “Sure, most people miss the main message of the church because they are too focused on themselves and forget to look up.”
(All three visitors look up)
Visitor #1: “I see it. It says, ‘On this rock, (Christ) I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.’ (Matthew 16:18) What does that mean?”
Usher: (whispers) “It means that instead of looking for the perfect church, stay at the one you’re at and make it better. But that’s why our attendance is so huge. Most people don’t get that.”
Visitor #2: “I think I will head back to my old church. It’s not perfect, but it’s doing a pretty good job.”
Usher: (chuckles) “I hope we DON'T see you back. (Turns to new visitor) Welcome to the perfect church.”
Visitor #4: “Can you point me to the hot tubs and massage tables?”
Usher: “Right this way.”

Where is YOUR perfect church?

Seven Deadly Words

2011-01-31T13:08:00.000-08:00

You’ve heard of the seven deadly words haven’t you? You hear them in churches, service clubs, and other organizations. They are uttered when a new idea is suggested, and a decision has to be made. These words are guaranteed to kill new ways of doing things. Here they are (drum roll)

“We have ALWAYS done it that way!”

“We have NEVER done it that way!”

“We tried that once. It didn’t work!”

We also hear some seven deadly words in our day to day life.

Kids (yelling out from the bathroom)
“Mommy do cats know how to swim?”

College Student:
“Is that paper due today or tomorrow?”

Wives (to husband)
“Does this dress make me look fat?”

Husbands (with tools in hand)
“Don’t need help, I can do this.”

Here are some “seven deadly words” that can wound or kill a relationship.
You have to fill in some words in each statement

“I have never forgiven ______ for ________.”

“I will never forgive _______ for ________.”

“I have never liked ________ because _____”

Here are the seven deadliest words of all,

“I don’t need God, I am just fine.”

Let’s try some other “seven words” that are more healing and life giving.

“Tell me how I can help you.”

“How can I pray for you today?”

“Can you please forgive me for ___________?”

And the best words of all…

We can have eternal life through Jesus!

Who do YOU root for?

2011-01-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

The scene is heaven: Three angels, Hark, Herald, and California Angel are looking at earth as people are getting ready for the Oregon Duck’s football game against the Auburn Tigers. Let’s listen in...

Hark: “What is all that ruckus on earth?”
Herald: “It’s the Ducks”
Hark: “What about them?”
Herald: “The Duck’s and the Tigers.”
Hark: “Did the tigers eat the ducks?
Herald: “No.”
Hark: “The duck ate the tiger?”
California: “It’s football.”
Herald: “Aren’t you into Baseball”
California: “Yep, they named a team after me in California.”
Hark: “So are we Duck fans or Tiger fans?”
Herald: “We can’t take sides, you know that.”
Hark: “How come?”
Herald: “Because God created both ducks and tigers.”
California: “Okay, forget college football. Let’s talk about the pros. Are we Seahawk fans?”
Hark: “That win was somewhat of a miracle”
Herald: “No, we can’t take sides on that either”
California: “That’s right. God created Seahawks and we know He gives humans the opportunity to be saints.”
Hark: “So what do we root for?”
California: “The preacher’s wife is rooting for Feb 7.”
Hark: “What is happening Feb 7th. It’s the day AFTER the super Bowl.”
Herald: “She won’t have to watch football and the preacher will quit using football, in illustrations and articles.”
California: (in a sad voice) “Great. It’s back to granddaughter stories.”
Hark: “Let’s go back to football. I’m confused. Can we root for teams?”
California: “Sure. It’s harmless fun, as long as we don’t worship them.”
Hark: “Why can’t humans worship a team? If you are at a game, or even see it on TV, people sing, yell, and put their hands in the air. I’ve seen them do that at church too. What’s the difference?”
California: “Remember the second commandment?”
Hark: “The one about not making idols? Oh yeah, Exodus 20:4 says we are not to worship anything one but God.”
California: “Very good. Remember also in Romans 12:1, it says that humans are to present their bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God, and that is their spiritual service of worship.”
Hark: “I saw a guy at a Duck game. He painted his body yellow, had a green spiked Mohawk haircut, and was standing outside in 20 degree weather, cheering his team on. It looked like he was offering his body.”
Herald: “You make a good point. Humans need to remember that they need to be more excited about Jesus than they are about any sports team.”
California: “I happen to know that guy is a solid Christian and a deacon in his church.”
Hark: “He should wear that outfit to church!”
Herald: “Quiet you two. The game is about to start.”

Who are YOU rooting for?

The Excercise Class

2009-07-21T11:32:00.001-07:00

Let me describe my current exercise program. I sit in my easy chair and eat junk food for six months. Then I exercise vigorously for an hour, collapse, and then crawl back to the easy chair. Trust me, doesn’t work well. I needed something different.

We have a new exercise class in our church. Charlee Rutheford teaches it and does a great job. She has a super relationship with God, she loves us, and she really knows her stuff. So Tuesday found me in our church fellowship hall with 6 ladies. I’m the only guy in the class. I figure if you are going to do public humiliation, do it on a grand scale. I’ve never been in an exercise class. I was hoping they would take it easy with me. My theory goes like this—if you kill the preacher, it’s some sort of sin, ranking between littering and jaywalking.

Speaking of walking, we started walking in place, then moving our arms, then other exercises. Sweat was pouring down my face, my muscles were burning, and I was breathing heavily. Total exhaustion was setting in. Our hour class must be about over. I glanced at my watch—it had been a minute and a half.

I was given a chair. Silly me thought I was going to sit on it. Nope, its purpose is to help me regain my balance while doing hip and leg workouts. Picture a beached whale on a pogo stick. Not a pretty sight. I did get to lie down on a mat. The last time I laid on a mat, I was in kindergarten and we got a snack afterwards. Things change in 47 years. I got down on the mat okay. At my age and stage, when I get on the floor, I look around for other things to do, so I didn’t make the trip for nothing. We did some exercises on the floor, and then Charlee asked the impossible. She wanted me to get up! I made a mental note for the next elders meeting to discuss buying a wench with a pulley, but I don’t think that will work.

So Joni and I get home, I shower and eat breakfast and guess what? I feel great. My back pain was gone, and I had extra energy. This was truly amazing.

I’m guessing that the apostle Paul led an exercise class at the church in Corinth. In I Corinthians 9:25-27, we read, “Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.”

Our Christian life is like exercise. The first time we read the Bible, it is difficult. After we read it for a while, it becomes easier. Sharing our faith for the first time can be tough. The more we do it the easier it gets. The more we exercise our faith, the stronger our relationship with Christ will be.
I just need to get out of the easy chair!

Cashier Angel

2009-02-05T08:21:00.000-08:00

Cashier Angel

Cashiers are my heroes. They really are amazing people. I know this because I tried to be one last week.
I was at Safeway on a Hubby Home Mission. You know; Joni called and said, “Honey, on your way home could you pick up…? In my case, it was two packages of cream cheese.

I got to Safeway, accomplished the mission and headed to the check stands. I saw some of those “do-it-yourself” check- out stands, and thought they looked kind of fun. It must be a guy thing. I’m drawn to computer screens. This thing was like a consumer video game without a joy stick.

In the distance I noticed Mandi (that’s what her name tag said.) Actually I know Mandi. She is Mac Sumner’s daughter. Her job that day was to oversee the self serve check out machines. We smiled at each other, and then I faced my mechanical opponent. The reason I say this that is I have a long and unhappy history with any mechanical devise. I fully believe the self check out machines had just held a meeting before I arrived. The meeting went like this

“Hey, here comes that preacher again”
“I hope he comes to me, I can’t wait to mess with his mind.”

Mechanical devises are always out to get me. This auto checkout was no exception. I innocently pushed the start button. It asks me if I want my instructions in English or Spanish. (English is a good choice) It then asks me to scan the cream cheese. I take the first one and hunt the box over for the UPS symbol, (which is not easy to find.) I locate it and scan the cream cheese. Then the machine attacks.

It tells me to bag my items. I still have a 2nd package of cream cheese to scan! It would be unpreacher like pay for one cream cheese and leave the store with another one. I’m trying to tell the machine that, but we were having a failure to communicate.

So I do what I always do when faced with a mechanical challenge; I get a dazed stupid look on my face that screams to the world, “The Dummy is trouble. HELP!!” I glanced over to see if Mandi could help. I couldn’t find her.

I didn’t think to look at my elbow.

She was right beside me, still smiling. She pushed a couple of buttons and the video villain fell into instant submission. Mand scanned my second cream cheese, put both of them in a bag, and showed me how to pay. Feeling overwhelmed with gratitude I felt I should say something, so I said
“I guess you get a lot of blank stares from people” She chuckled and said
“Part of the job.” She smiled and vanished, off to deal with another blank stare.

As I pondered the presence of Mandi, I also pondered the presence of God. God in one sense is in heaven watching over us. He notices everything. Sparrows falling out of trees, and the number of follicles on our foreheads do not escape his notice. (Matthew 10:29-31) And before we can even whisper a panicked prayer, God is by our side, helping, comforting, and pushing the right buttons to help us through a difficult time.

I’m grateful Mandi was there to help me. I’m even more grateful that God is with me before I need Him, and helps me through any situation.

Even with cream cheese.

Batteries NOT included

2009-01-21T11:09:00.000-08:00

All I wanted to do was watch a movie. It’s usually a fairly simple procedure. I turned on the T.V, popped the DVD in, grabbed the DVD remote, and…. Nothing!!! The remote didn’t work. Panic in the streets! This was a crisis. Of course Joni and Angie didn’t see the emergency here. For a guy, not having a remote control ranks up there with our Economic crisis or famine in Africa. But this situation was worse. I had a remote in my hand but it wasn’t working. This was a major catastrophe.

But I kept my head. I just did a little remote surgery and it revealed the problem—no batteries. Now at this point, there are three options—I could call the local store and see if they would deliver batteries. I could try plan B (check the freezer—I should have 4 AAA batteries there). So I open our freezer. I have AA Batteries, C batteries, D batteries and even a car battery, but applying Murphy’s Law of Freezer Batteries for the Remote, no AAA batteries.

At this moment Joni offers a wifely suggestion. “Honey, just take the batteries from the TV remote for the DVD remote. To a wife’s mind this seems logical, but she just doesn’t understand the potential risks and perils of this decision. If I took the batteries out of the TV remote, and put them in the DVD remote, I would still be left with only ONE remote. Suppose I started the movie and then suddenly had to turn the volume down. We could all turn deaf in the time it would take me to switch batteries. What would happen if I was able to turn the volume down and all of a sudden someone had to go potty and I couldn’t ‘pause’ the movie? They might miss the 26 previews and even miss the FBI warning not to copy the movie. Nope, out of sacrificial love for my family, we simply have to watch our movie with two remotes. I even have matching holsters so I can grab the remotes seamlessly so my family can have the maximum movie watching experience (just kidding!).

The Terror Alert for my house was now red. I have a movie to watch. My decapitated remote is crying to me from the sofa. So when the going gets tough, the tough pilfer batteries from another remote. I quickly ran to our Remote Cemetery, that final resting place for remotes that belong to devises you no longer own. Okay, I know some guys that know exactly what batteries are in what gismo. Me, I learned that if it plugs in, it might not be using batteries like the toaster and the refrigerator. After dissecting 10 different remotes, and thowing away the mountain of AA batteries, I came to a conclusion. I really need a remote that changes its own batteries. What’s that, you say? “Get a life, Laver!” You’re right, of course. We have to replace our own batteries. It’s all part of living in this hard, cruel world.

It wouldn’t hurt if all of us could remember that we need to change our own batteries in our spiritual like as well. We don’t depend on the church to keep our spiritual lives charged up. Christian Radio and TV shouldn’t be expected to keep your spiritual life wound up. We are to do for ourselves.

Jesus said, “I am the batteries, you are the remote. If you keep me in our life, then you will have power to change channels, power satellites, and even control remote theater systems.” John 15:1-3. (Okay, so Jesus used vine and branches as an example, but it’s the same basic idea.)

As an example, Charlee Rutherford, a delightful new lady in our church, came in the other day. She was excitedly telling Joni and I about the fast she is doing, the Scriptures she is memorizing, and expanding her prayer life. She even pulled out her Spiritual Journey Sheet and showed us her progress in her spiritual growth! This wonderful lady has changed her own batteries.

Or Ryan, a youth in our Tuesday night High School youth group, jumped in and led a group of his peers in a great discussion on our material, and even asked for a copy of the book we are studying. He is replacing his own batteries.

And Pastor Darin, who leads the youth group? Let’s just say he makes the Energizer Bunny look like Grandma Moses in a wheelchair!

I ended up driving to the store and buying a value pack of AAA batteries. I don’t want to be without power again! Neither should we be without power in our own spiritual lives!
Now where is my cell phone?

Flooding in Stupidity

2007-10-01T15:16:00.001-07:00

Have you ever done something really stupid? Did you ask yourself why you did it and couldn’t come up with an answer? That was me this morning. I noticed our toilet was plugged, so I grabbed the second oldest tool in the world, and started plunging.
After about 5 minutes of potty aerobics, I decided that the silly thing should be unplugged so I flushed it. The bowl filled with water, (clean by now) but didn’t flush. I should have kept plunging…
At this point, stupidity set in. I don’t know why I did it. Anyone else would have kept plunging, but no, I did a stupid human trick. I flushed the toilet again.
Back in third grade science, I remember learning that if you keep filling something, and nothing is draining out, soon the contents will overflow. I know there is a scientific word for it, but let’s just say that Mount Toilet erupted all over the bathroom floor.
Here’s your plumbing hint of the day. If you put a plunger into a toilet that is overflowing with water, and start plunging again, even more water will spill on the floor. Here’s also a consumer alert. Those paper towels don’t soak up as much water in real like as they do on T.V, I don’t care what brand it is.
After my third trip to the laundry room (and past Joni) for the paper towels, and two different mops, my alert and astute wife figured out her husband was trying to be brilliant. So she sweetly asked, “What did you do?”
I thought that telling her “I tried to unplug the toilet by flushing it three times” would not be a good thing. As a preacher, I thought the Biblical story of Noah would be helpful, but flooding the bathroom floor is little extreme for an object lesson. So I resorted to a time honored husbandly tradition. I just grunted and hoped I could get the mess cleaned up before she got curious. I almost made it.
So why did I do it? I’ve been asking myself all morning . I know that you don’t unplug a toilet by flushing it over and over. You plunge it, and yell unpastoral things at it.
The Bible doesn’t mention the apostle Paul having any plumbing problems, but Paul does express frustration over not always knowing why he does what he does. Romans 7:16-20 says,
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.£ For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Paul wanted to do what is right but he doesn’t. He knows what sin is, and does it anyway. Why? Because of our nature to sin, which somewhat resembles what we find in a toilet.

The good news is that the mop is found in Romans 8:1, Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Our sins are mopped away, cleaned, and sterilized by the cross of Calvary. Joni had to mop the floor for me. Jesus hung on the cross for us. The result is the same, a new start. We still make boneheaded mistakes. We take them to the cross, learn from our mistakes and start new again.

Now where did I put that plunger.

It's all in the card!

2007-08-12T16:39:00.000-07:00

What’s in your wallet? No, I’m not a Capital One Commercial. It’s this nagging bulge on my backside. It’s amazing what you can learn when you open your wallet. I’m being held captive in a prison of plastic. I’m not talking credit cards. I’m referring to the other cards that seem to be multiplying and having Credit Card Kids in my billfold.

Here’s just a sample of what I dug out the other day.

AAA Card
Safeway club card
Starbucks gift card
Greenhouse Café punch card (one full and one half full)
Promise Keepers membership card
Promise Keepers card (last year)
Promise Keepers card (2 years ago)
ATT phone card (Have no clue how many minutes are on the thing)
AARP (Oops! How did that get there?)
Cutting Edge card (Local gym. They know me so they don’t ask for it)
Hollywood video (They don’t ask for it either)
Regal Crown Club Card (You attend 50 movies and get a free kernel of popcorn.)
Powells Book Store gift card (No idea of amount)
Barnes and Nobel book store membership card (at think it earns bonus points)
Cosco Card (Enter and spend)
Scooters Coffee (I forget where that is. It’s near Albany I think.)
McDonalds gift card (I know where that is)

We use these crazy cards all the time. Gift cards are redeemed for gifts (Plus they’re easier to wrap and easier to find the right size). I can redeem my coffee card and a get a free latte. The card provides some sort of benefit or privilege.

What we do in our daily life with these cards is a concept fresh out of the New Testament. We REEDEM a card, to get a gift. What we do in stores with plastic cards, Christ did for us with a wooden cross. He redeemed us. We’re called to do that for others as well.

Consider that great line in the Lord’s prayer “Forgive us our debts, as we forget our debtors. (Matthew 6:12). We forgive, or redeem people. So the next time you pry a store card, or gift card from your wallet or purse, think

Christ
Always
Redeems
Debtors

The card in your hand of course does not measure up to Christ on the cross. But we can have a plastic prompter to remind us of the redemption of the Lord. When you trade in a gift card, remember Christ’s gift of salvation on the cross. When you show a card to get a discount, or a service, remember to cut some slack to someone who has wronged you. When you show a membership card, remember that in Christ we are members of Christ’s church and He loves us.

It’s all in the cards!

Suckered by Sudoku

2007-08-08T16:09:00.001-07:00

It’s my mother-in-law’s fault. We were on vacation last week with Joni’s family. Joni’s mom, Betty had brought Sudoku, a board game version of the popular newspaper puzzle. Joni and I are now addicted.
The word is pronounced, Su – Doe- Ku it’s a Japanese word that means “mental torture that can become addictive over time.” The puzzle itself is seductively simple. It looks like a crossword puzzle minus the words. Its nine blocks long, and nine blocks wide. Thus you have 81 blanks of terror. There are random numbers in a few of the blocks. The goal is to fill in the blanks. You have to get the numbers, 1-9 in each row and column and each small grid of 16. You can’t repeat a number. There is only one correct solution and about 100 wrongs ones. Trust me on this.
It’s one of those activities in life like cobra charming that looks easy from a distance and is really wild when you do it yourself. But I’m a good sport, so I tackle a puzzle. Actually, it’s fun. It’s also very challenging. After about an hour and a half, I did what every college educated, logical, man of the cloth would do in these situations.

I cheated.

Hey, they put the answers on the back of the game card! I was just making sure I had the right number. If you get one number wrong, you are screwed up. (Technical puzzle solving term) Thus, it’s helpful to do these puzzles in pencil, rather than pen or crayon.
When we got home from vacation, I thought I would get some peace from this puzzle panic, and then Joni comes home from the grocery store. It seemed that one of the Sudoku books was taunting her at the check stand, so she had to buy it. The problem with the book is that we only have one. There are two of us in this marriage. So now we have Sudoku Wrestling to see who will get to do the next puzzle. We try to do these things while we watch T.V. in the evenings.

I say try, because unlike myself, Joni can multi-task. She can do a puzzle, do cross stitch, watch T.V. and hold an intelligent conversation all at the same time. Me? I have to have complete silence to tie my shoes. Thus, she can do more puzzles than I can. We also have a little competition in the book itself. We write notes on the top of each page, summarizing our puzzle experience. Joni smugly writes, “I did this one correct on the first try.” I write on my mine, “This took me 3 days and 400 eraser marks.”

I wonder if they have support groups for this sort of thing? The meeting would open with, “Hi, I’m Bob, and I’m a Sudoku addict.” In my group, I’m guessing there would be complete silence inn the group because everyone would be busying trying to place the #3 in the right spot.

They tell me that you have to use logic and reasoning to do Sudoku. That makes sense. That’s why people don’t do these puzzles during church. Many people think you have to check logic and reason at the door when you come to church, or read the Bible. Nothing could be further from the church.

The Bible tells me that I serve a Sudoku Savior. Look at Isaiah 1:18, Come now, let us reason together,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.

We had sin in our lives. Sin has a price. Jesus paid the price for us and offered us that as a gift. We receive the gift it and we have eternal life. It’s simple logic. The Bible is logical and reasonable. If you don’t believe me, just sneak a peek at the answers in the last book in the Bible and we find out that God wins, and we win!

Now if I can just get that puzzle book away from Joni….

Boring Movie Night!

2007-06-18T14:14:00.000-07:00

It was such a promising night at the Laver Household. All the kids were gone for the weekend. Joni and I went to a favorite local video store and we each chose a movie. Joni‘s movie was a classic chick flick. Mine was more action/adventure. We watched her movie on Friday night and mine on Saturday evening.
Her movie started with a sad premise. The heroine’s finance died, and she moves into his house with his three roommates. Then an ex girlfriend shows up with a kid. The finance’s mom was doing something with a wedding ring. There is a fly fishing subplot, but these are all city people. Are you confused so far? So were we! We kept wondering, “How long is this stupid movie going to go on?”
But now I had bragging rights. My movie would be superior. It was a manly movie, not some chick flick. This one was about the CIA. It had two well know actors in it. One even won an Oscar for his role. But, half way through the movie, neither Joni or I had the faintest idea what was going on. We finally turned it off, halfway through the movie (something I rarely do).
This usually doesn’t happen to me. I’m sort of a movie buff. I never rent a movie without doing research on it. I look at websites such as screenit.com, and others that help explain the plot, characters, etc. I also talk to friends, read reviews, etc so I know what I’m watching. It prevents a Boring Movie Night.
Unfortunately, many people read the Bible like Boring Movie Night. People open the Bible and start reading without knowing the story, the plot or the main characters. They eventually shut the Bible and say “wow, that was boring.”
Do some research! Websites such as crosswalk.com, biblestudy.org, and bible.org are helpful in getting background on Bible books, Bible stories and Bible themes. A low tech approach would be looking at your church library, (or your pastors library) for books that will help you get more out of your Bible study. Call your small group leader or pastoral staff. We stand ready to help you. Get a hold of a study Bible and read the study notes.
God uses the longest chapter in the Bible, Psalm 119, to talk totally about the benefits of the Bible. Verse 11 says “Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I might not sin against you.” Verse 50 says “This is my comfort in my affliction, that your word has revived me.”
The Bible is not meant to be a boring movie. It is meant to be a thrill ride and a rollercoaster cinematic adventure, that you wish would go on forever. Do your homework, pray, start to read or listen to the scripture and get ready for the time of your life.
As for movies, next time I’ll try a comedy.

Stop Light Stare Down

2007-06-11T15:13:00.000-07:00

Three people were glaring at me again. I hate it when that happens. I was at the four way stop in the center of town in Molalla. As usual, I was daydreaming, not paying attention, and so we play the guessing game. Whose turn it is to go?
Let me make one thing clear. I actually enjoy traffic lights. Stop lights are like mini rest areas without the bathrooms. When a light is red, I get about 34 seconds to relax from the frustrations of driving and do stuff. I have plenty of time to adjust the radio, take a bite of my cheeseburger, or drink a sip of coffee. I can check my cell phone, or start working on my sermon. Actually at a regular stop light, I can do all the things I’m NOT supposed to do while driving. I can do them with a clear conscience.
But a four-way stop is a different story. They require me to actually pay attention. But I’ve found that even alert drivers get traffic amnesia. I just can’t remember the right of way laws. Thus, most of us revert back to those great lessons mom taught us.
1. Take turns, so the first car there is the first one to go.
2. Be nice and let others go first.

If that doesn’t work, we usually resort to hand signals or facials expressions, both of which are hard to read when you are 20 feet away and staring through a windshield. I’ve noticed a common hand signal that most people use. If someone has their hand out and their wrist and fingers are waving toward them, it means,

“Okay, bonehead, go on.” or (the more polite, Christian version)
“I’m in a good mood go ahead.”
This works well unless you are doing the same signal to them. You end up waving to each other and no one is moving.

At that point, I think it would be much simpler each of us four drivers would put our cars in park, get out, walk to the middle of the intersection, and have a friendly meeting. We might come to the following decision,,,

The guy in the semi truck is bigger than all of us, so he can go first.
The lady in the blue bronco has cranky kids in the back so she can go second.
The guy in the green P.T. Cruiser has had a long day and needs get home. He goes third.
The preacher hasn’t been paying attention so he gets to go last, and signs a written contact pay closer attention to the intersection.

Alas, we usually just sit in our cars and try to read each other’s minds.

In the Bible, I doubt the apostle Peter had to deal with four way chariot stops, but he did warn us to be alert about something far more dangerous than other drivers 1 Peter 4:8 says to “be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to desire.”

Fortunately, at four ways stops, most people are more alert than I am. They watch the other drivers and work in automotive unity. As Christians, we should take a lesson from four ways stops. Be alert, watchful, and careful. Satan wants to do more harm to us than simple traffic issues.

So, if you see me at a four way stop, be nice to me, I’ll be the one daydreaming…

Preacher's Bread Bud

2007-06-01T14:09:00.001-07:00

Someone sent me this joke this week. I share it with apologies to our Catholic friends. Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other Nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "This is for washing our hair." The cashier without blinking an eye reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
I know how the nun’s feel. To some people, a preacher buying beer at a grocery store is like Paris Hilton buying combat boots, or Tiger Woods picking up the book “Golf for Dummies.” It would raise some embarrassing questions.
The other day, Joni wanted to make beer bread. I’m no Betty Crocker, but it seems to me that if you want to make beer bread, you need to buy beer. Since we are a tee-totaling family, we needed to buy three cans of beer.
So, Joni and I started out on our Prohibition Process. Our mission, and we decided to accept it, was to buy beer without bumping into anyone we’d know. We were going to Wal-mart in Woodburn anyway, so we took off. We walk into the Woodburn Wally World and ran into Erica, Alexis, Logan and Nathanial Knight. And we kept bumping into them. We decided we didn’t want to explain to three small children in our small group why their preacher was buying a Bud Light. We did the rest of our shopping and plotted a new beer buying strategy.
As we headed back toward Molalla, we thought, “Hey about the Safeway in Woodburn?” Yes, we have church members who live in Woodburn, but percentages would be in our favor. As we pulled into the parking lot, we glanced in our rearview mirror. There was our former next door neighbor. He was obviously on Preacher Beer Buying Patrol. We lost him in the parking lot, and he took off for another strip mall.
So, humming the “Mission Impossible Theme song, we snuck into Safeway. It would be counterproductive to ask someone where the beer isle was, so we crept up and down each isle until we found it. We grabbed three cans from a six pack. Now I have to carry three cans of beer to the check out. I thought, “I’ll put them in my pockets,” but I figured if anything looked worse than a preacher buying beer at a grocery story, it would be a preacher appearing to shoplift beer from a grocery store!
We made it to the express lane. Everyone was a stranger. The plan was perfect until I looked into my wife’s beautiful blue eyes and then down to her blue shirt. She is wearing a “Serving for Jesus” T-Shirt! Wonderful! I was trying for Spiritual Stealth and my wife’s wardrobe was broadcasting our mission to the world.
So I tried to stand between the checker and Joni as we finished our transaction. The checker scanned the three cans of beer. The total was $17.45! This seemed high, even to a beer buying rookie. It turns out that they only sell them by the six-pack and the computer ran up that charge. In our quietest, softest voices, we asked. “Can we only buy three cans?” Before I could lunge over the counter and stop her, the checker grabbed a microphone and yelled,

“Management to register three. Management to register three!!! A lady in a Jesus T-Shirt wants to know if she can buy three cans of beer?” (Okay, she didn’t say that last part)
The manager comes and she and the checker enter into a long conference to see if the lady with the Jesus T-shirt and the blushing guy hiding behind the gum rack could buy only three cans of beer or do they have to buy the whole six pack? A crowd had gathered by this time. I wanted to trade in Joni’s Jesus shirt for one that read. “We’re only making beer bread!” Joni was trying to explain this to the checker and I was praying for the rapture to happen at that moment.
We carried the Coors Contraband to the car, got it home and the bread turned out very well. This experience raised several questions in my mind. Can a preacher buy beer for baking purposes? Should he pay someone else to buy it for him? Should he go door to door with a mug and borrow some from the neighbors? Should the church set up a Beer for Beer Bread Buying Committee?
The Apostle Paul doesn’t answer these pressing questions, but has good thought in Colossians 1:17. “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Everything I do, and say should give glory to God. Not only as a preacher, but as a Christian.
All I know is that the next time, we’re going to do Root Beer Bread!!

AAA

2007-05-21T15:40:00.001-07:00

Let me pass on some professional advice. If you are cruising up interstate 5 like I was on Thursday, and you are doing around 70 mph, and your car suddenly dies, here’s a list of things you might want to do.
1. Pray hard
2. Pull over fast
3. Hope the semi behind you is paying attention.

I did all three pretty much at the same time. I found myself on the side of the freeway, pondering what I should do. I thought about doing the guy thing and pop the hood and spend 10 minutes looking under it. I didn’t because quite frankly, I don’t really know what I’m looking for. I can check the oil but I was pretty sure that was not the problem.
I called AAA. I was happy because the guy on the other end of my cell phone said that I was a top priority because I was stuck along side a major freeway. I guess I would have been an extreme priority if I was in the MIDDLE of the freeway playing bumper cars with the semi’s. I was happy to be a top priority.

So, as I waited for the tow truck. I was marveling at AAA. I guess it stands for the American Automobile Association. As I write this article, I did a little research to find out what AAA. stands for. AAA could also stand for…

American Anthropological Association (I have an old car so I guess it would qualify)

American Accounting Association. (Perhaps they can help pay for my car!)

American Academy of Audiology (I had a hard time hearing the AAA guy on my cell phone. I had my car window open because it was hot)

As I sit in my office writing this, things worked out fine. I only waited 20 minutes for Bruce, my tow truck guy to rescue me. He was pretty cheerful despite the fact he was working overtime to tow me to Albany. Joni and Angie came down to get me. We stopped by my Mon’s house in Albany and even mooched dinner from her. (Mom’s are good that way).

I say all of this to say that in this troubled world, AAA can stand for...

Always Ask Assistance Psalm 46:1-4 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.”

Isn’t it great that our God, who can deal with moving mountains and rushing waters, can help a preacher in a broken down ford on the freeway? AAA can also stand for…

Almighty Assistance Assurance Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

AAA, besides towing offers insurance and route trips for vacations. In their expanded package the offer expanded towing (to Molalla) and even serve you breakfast in bed. (Okay, maybe not, but they do offer a lot.)

I didn’t care. They got me a tow truck and took care of me. Road side assistance is great. God sized assistance is even better.

And I don’t even need a cell phone!

If I Die Tomorrow

2007-05-14T11:06:00.000-07:00

If I die tomorrow,
There are questions I would ask
I would ponder how good a job I did
As I went about life’s tasks.

Did I truly accept Jesus Christ
As My Savior and my Lord?
Was I an active part of my local church?
Was I regular in His Word?

If I die tomorrow,
Two questions enter my mind.
“How well did I treat others?”
“Was I generous and kind?”

If I die tomorrow.
Will people say of me
“He was so encouraging
And uplifting as could be?”

If I die tomorrow,
Just how did I spend my time?
Was it well invested in others,
Or was it selfishly all mine?

But I may not die tomorrow
I know not when the day.
But I resolve to live my life
As if I only had one day.

For one day is really all I have
For yesterday is past,
And tomorrow may never come.
Today may be my last.

So how will YOU spend today?
Will you be focused on yourself?
Or will you depend on Jesus Christ
For your direction and Your help?

Stranger in a Strange Land

2007-04-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

Remember the old math equation. If A=B, and B=C, then A=C.
What that adds up to for us guys is this;
A. We love our wives and daughters
B. They love to go to weird places
C. Men sometimes end up as strangers in a strange land

Example # 1 Women’s Underwear Stores.

I’m not talking about the underwear section of a department store. Most guys know that we can sneak over to the electronics section, and watch six different football games at the same time while are wives are skive shopping.

No, this is one of those obnoxious outlet stores. There were bras and panties as far as the eye can see. And that’s the problem. My eye did not want to see this. You can’t look at the displays. You can’t make eye contact with the people. The other women look at you like you’re a Peeping Bob, and the guys have the same “lamb to the slaughter” look that you have. You can’t even look up. There are life sized posters of girls in their unmentionables. So, you’re being led about the hand by your female guide (wife or daughter).
Worse yet is when your women are raptured into the dressing room and leaving you stranded in Playtex Purgatory. This one store had a small place of refuge. A lingerie lifeboat. An underwear oasis. Some kind soul put up a small display area of men’s socks. So picture about 10 guys in a closet type display, pretending to be interested in men’s socks. We were strangers in a strange land.

Example #2. Baby Showers.

I was at one of those about a year or so ago for Joni’s cousin. There was food, so that helped. I discovered that if you eat about a dozen finger sandwiches, it can make a meal. That can also get you banned from the sandwich table. The same applies to the cake table. My son and nephew were also at the shower. They were chickens and fled to the computer room. When the going gets tough, the tough play “Grand Theft Auto.”
So guys, do you know what the girls do at these baby showers? I’m with that great philosopher Linus Van Pelt (of Peanuts and Charlie Brown) Linus, after observing the fuss made over a new baby said “If they ever took the word “cute” out of the English language, we’d all perish.” The same applies to the words “OOOH”, “AAAH” and giggling in general. It was back to the sandwich table.

Example #3 Bridal Showers

I was at one of these on Saturday. It was a duel shower for my daughter in law and my niece. Bridal showers are like baby showers without the baby. I did manage to not get banished from the sandwich table this time. If I grazed by the table, I could sneak a sandwich or even a veggie and no one would notice. You do this about 15 times, and it’s a meal. There was even entertainment at this shower. My son had to stand in for my daughter in law who had to work. Watching him open presents was fun. (He was a great sport about it). He also brought the newest member of our family, a puppy, to the shower, so the ladies had something cute to cuddle with. My other niece was getting ready for her prom at the other end of the house. It was makeup at one end and household items at the other. I was indeed a stranger in a strange land.

John 3:16 reminds us God loves us and sent Jesus to die for us. Jesus left the comforts of heaven to live in our weird, wild world with temptation at every corner. (John 1:14, Heb 4:15). We too are spiritual strangers in a strange land. Philippians 3:20 says, “But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,” As citizens of heaven, we are supposed to feel weird and strange in this world, because our home is in heaven. Our minds are with the Master, and our eyes are focused on eternity. We are not to get comfortable here, but to be anxious to go home to heaven.
For now, I’m hanging out at the sandwich table.

Buzzing the Mall

2007-04-01T16:50:00.001-07:00

Benny and Betsy, the loving Buzzard couple, were flying above the Valley River Center Mall in Eugene this past week. Let’s listen in to their conversation.

Betsy: Isn’t this romantic?
Benny: It’s a shopping mall Betsy! How can you feel romantic flying over a shopping mall?
Betsy: Because I’m flying with you! (She snuggles in flight) Look down there. We’re not the only two out here tonight. It’s that preacher and his wife from Molalla.
Benny: How do you know them?
Betsy: I have a cousin in Molalla. She says they are down here for a couple of days. Taking some much needed time off.
Benny: So I have a question.
Benny: What that, sweetie?
Benny: Don’t humans normally walk around the INSIDE of a shopping mall?
Betsy: Normally they do, but I think these two love birds walked out the wrong door after the late movie.
Benny: It’s one o’clock in the morning! Are they are going to walk about the entire outside of the mall? Don’t they know how far that is?
Betsy: They’re going to find out. It’s a shame we can’t help them.
Benny: What are we supposed to do, give them a buzzard back ride?
Betsy: I suppose not. I hope they’ll be safe.
Benny: I hope they’re not safe. I could use a late night snack. I think that preacher might raise my cholesterol level though.
Betsy: Benny Buzzard, you leave them alone! You have road kill back at the nest from last night if you’re hungry.
Benny: Okay, Okay, don’t get your feathers in a knot.
Betsy: They do have a long walk. It’s the preacher’s fault. Men just don’t ask for directions.
Benny: He knows where he’s going. (He flies higher) Nope, I guess he doesn’t know where he is going. They are gong to have to walk around the entire mall.
Betsy: I think they’ll be fine. It’s a nice night out, no rain, and I’ll bet they are praying.
Benny: Praying? What good does that do?
Betsy: Benny Buzzard, if you would perch outside of the church with me on Sunday mornings, you wouldn’t ask such questions!
Benny: So is God going to draw arrows on the parking lot?
Betsy: No, God promises that He will protect us. Remember Isaiah 41:10?
Benny: You’re the one that reads the Bible over people’s shoulders at the park
Betsy: Isaiah 41:10 says, 10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Benny: That’s pretty cool. Does God love us too?
Betsy: He created us too silly. Of course He loves us. Oh look, they just spotted their motel. They’ll be fine. (She’ll looks at him slyly). I’ll race you to the road kill!
Benny: Hey, wait up!

My Friend Bill

2007-03-26T12:40:00.001-07:00

Do you remember 1973? We were at war with Viet Nam, and gas was 39 cents a gallon. Minimum wage was $1.60 an hour. A new home cost 35 thousand dollars and the average family was earning about 10 thousand dollars a year. Richard Nixon was president, and Bill Erwin was my best friend in the whole world. 1973 was the last time I heard from him.

That was until last week. Thanks to the miracle of My Space, I received an email and then a phone call from a voice I had not heard from since a postage stamp cost 8 cents.

Bill and I were best the best of friends from fourth grade through High school, we walked to school together. He was over at my house or I was over at his. We’d camp out in my back yard during those California summers, laughing and joking until the neighbors would yell at us. (Which made us laugh all the more?) I’d go camping with his family. We caught a catfish (a couple of feet long) we kept it in his back yard in their wading pool until his mom made us throw it away. We were closer than brothers.

I had not heard his voice in thirty four years. We had simply lost track of each other. He went to war and I went to college. He’s now a retired Army Viet Nam vet and I’m a “not ready for retirement” preacher. As Bill and I chatted on the phone, we discovered was stationed at Ft. Lewis in Tacoma when I was at Bible College in Seattle, but in the pre-internet era, we had no way of tracking the other person down.

My oldest friend reminded me of a funny story. We were about 12, and were riding bikes in front of his house. His little brother Joey, about 6 at the time was riding with us. Using his index finger and thumb as a toy gun, Joey was “shooting” everything he could see. He then pointed his freckle loaded finger at my bike tire and said “bang.” My tire blew! His imaginary bullet had more punch that we thought.

I’m so glad I serve God who is more powerful than a finger bullet and who does not lose track of us.

Psalm 139:7-9, “Where can I go from your spirit? If I go to Seattle, Albany, Tennessee, Myrtle Point and Molalla, you are there. If I go to a Promise Keepers Rally you are there. If I bite the head off a high school student in anger, you are there as well.” (Okay, this is Laver’s Liberal Translation. Look at Psalm 139: 7-9 for the true version.)
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, £ you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

God keeps track of us when we follow Him and love Him. But God also keeps track of us when we stray away, and stay way from Him. At any moment, we can make an about face toward the Creator of the world and God runs at Olympic speed to scoop us up, dust us off and throw a party because we are back with Him. (Luke 15:11-32). The last words Jesus said to his disciples on earth are “Lo I am with you always, even unto the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20). God has the hairs on our heads numbers and keeps track of falling birds. (Matthew 10:29-30).

Now that I have my friend Bill back, I vow not to loose track of him again. God has already made that promise to us.

That’s what Fathers and friends are for.

Coffee Chemistry

2007-03-19T15:51:00.001-07:00

Welcome to Pastor Bob’s Office Coffee Café. When you visit your pastor’s office, you will treated to a delightful assortment of coffee beverage choices. Each day we offer…

Café Uno: A blend of day old coffee and water, micro waved to your specifications.
Café Chemistry: A frothy mixture of a half a cup of cold coffee still in the microwave and a half of cup of old coffee on Bob’s desk, micro waved to your specifications.
Radar Range Surprise: Simply open the microwave and choose between the three cups of old coffee sitting there.

The above special blends are served your choice of designer mugs. We offer…
Cups fresh from the dishwasher
Mugs washed in the bathroom sink
Older mugs wiped clean with your choice of paper towel or napkin

Try our special today: Fresh coffee, hot from the neat retro coffee maker. You have a choice of Folgers Cinnamon Swirl from Wal-Mart or whatever the pastors mood. Limited time offer. (Depends on how fast the pastor, his associates and office staff drink it)

God has a much better approach to coffee chemistry. 2 Corinthians 5:17 reminds us that “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” Our old life, sins, guilt, and regrets are tossed out, poured down the sink, and in Christ, we are fresher than a Starbucks brew. Jesus gets rid of the stale, old and watered down parts of our life. Our relationship with Him is fresh and new each day.

Stop by the church. Try The Special. He won’t disappoint you.

And you’ll get you some good coffee too…

Tithe, It gets the red out

2007-03-12T15:00:00.001-07:00

Actually, that “Tide” is the laundry soap that gets red and other stains out. Were you a little skeptical of the title? I’m a bit skeptical of preachers. I should know because I am one. A while back, I was hearing a sermon. The preacher made one of those types of remarks. You hear these kinds of comments on commercials, or news reports. It’s a comment that makes you ask intelligent, thoughtful questions like

“What?”

Let me back up a bit. Studies show that American people, on average give 3% of their income to charitable causes. This could be the Red Cross, the American Cancer Society, etc. Giving to churches get a slice out of that financial pie. So here is the comment that made me sit up and take notice.

“If the income of church members were cut in half, but if they started tithing (giving 10% of their income) most church budgets would almost double.”

Are you skeptical? I was too. But it works. Let me give you a math demonstration. Granted, I’m a preacher, not a math teacher, so my giving a math demonstration is like Donald Trump giving tips on hair care, but here it goes.

Church A: (good mathematical name for a church)

Membership: 100 families
Average income of each family: $30,000 a year
Giving: 3% (which is the National Average of what people give)
Total giving per family (3% of $30,000): $900 per year
Church budget, $900 per year per family x 100 families: $90,000 per year

Church B: (another good mathematical church name)
Membership: 100 families (same size as Church A)
Average income of each family: $15,000 per year (half of Church A)
Giving 10% (Biblical standard)
Total giving per family (10% of $15,000): $1,500 per year
Church budget, $1,500 per year per family x 100 families: $150,000

Isn’t that wild? It’s also Biblical. Here is Malachi 3:10 10Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.

We don’t have to be skeptical because God keeps His promises. When we give, God blesses and God’s church has enough for doing His mission.

Even Donald Trump can’t do that!

Spaced Out On My Space

2007-03-04T15:35:00.001-08:00

It’s official. I have 14 friends. And one of them isn’t Tom. If you don’t know anything about My Space, that last sentence didn’t make any sense. Let me explain.

Until recently, the only thing I had heard about My Space is that perverts and weirdoes use it to snatch our children on the internet. So I was a bit surprised when one of our youth leaders told me that My Space is a good place to talk to young people in our church. My motto is that I’ll try most anything once as long as it’s not illegal, immoral or fattening, and I’m flexible on that last one. Plus, even though I’m 186 days away from my 50th birthday, I like to think I can still function in this cyber world of ours. I can dial a cell phone. I’m the VCR expert in our house. So armed with this high tech knowledge, I took my trusty laptop and ventured into My Space. If you have a computer and your computer is internet friendly, (some are internet hostile) my address is

http://www.myspace.com/BobLaver

For the computer illiterate, here is a beginner’s guide to My space. My Space is like a huge, cyber bulletin board on steroids. It’s easy, kind of fun. It has about 10 million commercials, but it’s free. It has a place where you can put a picture of yourself.
You can state your name. You can put in a fake name, your dogs name. (Or your dog’s picture.) I’ve seen cartoons, baby pictures, pictures of cars, boats, or you name it. It’s there.

There is a spot where you can tell about yourself. On my page, it is called. “Bob’s Details.” Here are my details.

My status is married. (As opposed to single, or a nut case)
I’m here for friends (opposed to being a nut case)
My religion is Christian (Not Buddhist or something else)
Zodiac sign (hey I put in my birthday and it came up automatically)
Children: I’m a proud parent (they didn’t have spaced out parent)
Education: post grad. (It’s better than Dr. Bob in cyber space.)
Occupation: Preacher. (That ought to freak out some folks!)

There are charts where you can fill in your views on movies, music, current events and anything else you can think of. People fill in true answers, funny answers, made up answers. You can search the thousands of people on My Space to find a specific person if you know their email. Or you can browse and look at a couple of million strangers to learn what we already know. There are some weird and interesting people in this world.

The key to my space is friends. When you sign up, you automatically get one friend. His name is Tom. Rumor has it that Tom is the technical advisor to My Space. When you get a friend, you can send a message, email or picture to them, or delete them. I deleted Tom. (Most people do) I wanted to delete my third grade teacher, but I can’t find her yet. How do you find friends? I wanted to talk to people in our church, youth group, summer camp, etc. You have to go through another friend to find friends. Rob Cummings and Chuck Knight are my technical advisors, so I went to their pages, and their pages have pictures of their friends. I can click on the picture of a person and go to their page. Some pages have security features so that you can only be a friend to view the page (great thing for kids) you then ask the person if they want to be your friend. They can approve or deny. There are some weirdo’s out there. I’ve had a few try to contact me. You can approve or deny them.

Surfing through My Space is like walking through a cow pasture. It can be fun, helpful and relaxing, but if you don’t watch where you are going, you can step in something you really don’t want to be involved in. It’s a great tool to chat with people in the church, young people and camp people. I’ve been told my page is sort of dull and it is because I don’t spend a lot of time fixing it up. Some people have fantastic looking pages. You can learn a lot about someone by viewing their My Space page. It’s cool doing ministry in cyberspace.

In the era B.C. (Before Computers) Jesus Christ had a My Space page. It’s called the cross. He was posted up there for the entire world to see. Because of His death on the cross, God invites us to be His friend. (2 Cor 5:21)

If you are on My Space, click on my picture and be my friend. More importantly, you don’t need a computer to click on Jesus and be His Friend forever.

He’s better than Tom any day!

A Devil of A Financial Plan

2007-03-03T14:50:00.001-08:00

(This first appeared in the Christian Standard, June 16, 2002.)

Clyde sat at his desk, working feverishly. Wilma, his wife of 30 years, watched him. Clyde would write something down, poke some numbers into a calculator, and write some more. Finally Wilma’s curiosity got the better of her. She went over to her excited husband.
“Honey, you’ve been there for two hours. What are you doing? Clyde put a finger up.
“Just a second Darling, let me add this last set of numbers. “Yeah, he said with a note of satisfaction. He jumped to his feet with a piece of paper in hand.
“Honey, I’ve done it! I figured out a way to finance that trip to Hawaii that we’ve been dreaming about.”
“Wilma sat down. This had been a dream of theirs for as long as they had been married. This ought to be good.
“The first thing we need to do is to skip our house payment for eight months. That will take care of our airfare. First class I might add.”
“Clyde” Wilma started, but Clyde kept on going.
“Honey, I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. If we skip the electric company payment for a year, and the phone company and the water bill, that will take care of our lodging. A condo on the beach. I can finally work on my tan.”
“Uh, Clyde.”
“In a minute, sweetheart. I’ll bet you thought I forgot about food and entertainment. Well, honey, nothing but the best restaurants. I figure if we just skip our income tax and property tax payments, we will have more than enough for gourmet meals three times a day. And, if we skip our insurance payments on the car and the house, we can have enough money for those great tours in this brochure.” Clyde’s voice was getting excited with each statement.
“Sweetheart,” said Wilma weakly.
“Oh, honey, I knew you would be excited. You are as white as a sheet. Overcome with joy, that’s what you are.”
“Well, I’m overcome, that’s for sure.”
“It will be a vacation to remember. You’ll see.”

It sure will. If Clyde and Wilma take all their money from normal living and apply it to this vacation, as soon as they return home, they will be met by bill collectors, the police, the Internal Revenue Service, and who knows what other people. Is the plan silly? Of course it is.
Then why do people use this same plan with their giving to special projects to the church?
Most folks have an amount they give to the church. That money is put in the offering plate or mailed in. The church then carefully and prayerfully spends it on salaries, utilities, insurances, educational materials, and lots of other necessary things.
So what happens with a special project comes up? A project that needs money in addition to the other church needs? Simple. Most people will take a chunk out of their regular giving and give that portion to a building program, a traveling missionary, the latest youth group fund raiser, or some other good cause.
We are more like Clyde than we think. If we follow his plan, the regular programs of the church will suffer. Here is God’s plan: Malachi 3:8. “Will a man rob God? Yet you rob me. But you ask, ‘How do we rob you?’ In tithes and offerings.”
In Bible times, people gave one tenth of their income to the temple/church. They gave offerings above and beyond that tithe to special projects.
I know. That seems like quite a bit. But consider a church in the New Testament. Paul marveled because of their giving. “Out of the most severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity. For I testify that they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability. Entirely on their own, they urgently pleaded with us for the privilege of sharing in this service to the saints.” 2 (Corinthians 8:2-4).
As we look at extra church, missionary, or building projects, which plan shall we use- God’s or Clyde’s?

Ten Commandments Quiz

2007-02-12T13:44:00.000-08:00

We know that the Ten Commandments are not multiple choice, but go ahead and take this quiz to see how well you know the Ten Commandments.

1. “You shall have no other gods before me” means…
A. Unless it’s a new truck, boat or other toy that gets all your time and money
B. You have relationship that gets all your time and money
C. Your relationship with Christ is your most important relationship

2. “You shall not make for yourself an idol” means…
A. You can’t be on American Idol
B. You shouldn’t be on American Idol
C. You should spend more time with God than with the T.V.

3. “You shall not take the name of the Lord Your God in Vain” means…
A. Shout God’s name in prayer, not when you hit your finger with a hammer
B. Jesus Christ IS the good news, not something to yell when you hear good news
C. All of the above.

4. “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy” means
A. Take regular time off to reflect on how God has blessed your life
B. Commit yourself to your local church with your money, time and talents
C. All of the above.

5. “Honor your father and your mother” means…
A. Love them until they discipline you
B. Say “yes mom” sweetly and then do what you want to do when she isn’t looking
c. Be obedient children and pray for your parents each day

6. “You shall not murder” means…
A. I can do anything I want as long as I don’t become a prime suspect on CSI
B. I can I can rip someone’s reputation to shreds as long as I’m not a prime suspect on CSI
C. Words can do as much damage as sticks and stones.

7. “You shall not commit adultery” means.
A. Look, but don’t touch
B. Touch, but not too much
C. If you’re married, Valentines Day should be 365 days a year.

8. “You shall not steal” means…
A. Be honest, even at tax time
B. Be a giver instead of a taker
C. All of the above

9. “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor” means…
A. Little white lies are okay
b. It’s okay to lie as long as you remember which lie you told
c. Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and God will help you

10. “You shall not covet” means…
A. Your neighbor’s truck, house or anything else that is isn’t yours
B. Your greatest desire is for Jesus to be in charge of your life
C. All of the above.

Your score:
If you got 1-3 right, be more active in your local church
If you got 4-6 right, be more active in your local church
If you got 7-10 right, be more active in your local church

Who's Stopping You?

2007-02-06T13:18:00.000-08:00

Picture someone kneeling beside their bed, praying. A figure appears in the room and startles the person praying. Let’s listen in on their conversation.

“Who are you?”
“I’m an angel.”
“Aren’t you supposed to have wings or something?”
“Not all of us. Besides, I’m here to give you a message.”
“Did I win a million bucks?”
“Dream on. You need to go to church, the one down the street.”
“I can’t go to THAT church!”
“Why not?”
“Because of the people!”
“Like who?”
“Okay, there is Lucy Lifestyle. You know her reputation around town. She lives one way on Sunday and then lives it up all the other days.”
“So, if she is such a bad person, where should she be?"
“Okay, so she should be in church. But what about Henry Hurtmyfeelings?”
“What about him?”
“He hurt my feelings! I can’t go to church. What if HE’s there?"
“So, have you talked to him about what he said to you?”
“Are you kidding? Of course not.”
“How is he supposed to know that he hurt your feelings?”
“You’ve got a point.”
“Thank you.”
“But what about Dorrie Dress-up? Have you seen what she wears to church?”
“Look who’s talking, Miss T-Shirt and Jeans.”
“Hey, don’t judge me!”
“Don’t judge her!”
“Okay, okay, but how about Rhonda Roudykids? Have you seen how her kids behave? Those brats are a distraction to everyone”
“But they are precious to God.”
“Sure, I know that. What about Wanda Whiner? She always needs something. The church is always helping her with something."
“That’s wonderful. I’m so proud of that church”
“But she’s so whiny and needy.”
“So who else can she turn to? You know she has no family.”
“You’re not going to listen to any of my excuses are you?”
“You’re a Christian right? “
“I hope so. I’m trying to be.”
“Then you need to be in church, no matter who goes there. Churches are full of imperfect people who are trying to be more like Christ.”
“Just like me.”
“Just like you.”
“But what about Charlie Cheat, or Tony Tactless, or…”
“Guess.”
“I should pray for them and go to church.”
“Correct. Besides, I have news for you. I can think of a half dozen people who don’t go to church because of YOU!”
“Me! Someone doesn’t go to church because of me? Why?"
“Do you really want me to tell you? You’re smart. You can figure it out. Your name is Judy Judgment you know.”
“What can I do?”
“I’m going to go talk to those other folks. You just quite judging people and get to church. They need you and you need them. You keep praying”
“Thanks for the conversation. I’ll do better. And I’ll be in church this Sunday.”
"So will I. I’ll see you there!"

So, who’s stopping YOU? Who are you stopping?

Preachers Office Genesis

2007-01-29T11:11:00.000-08:00

A remodeling reading of Genesis 1-2, )
With sincere apologies to Bible translators everywhere.

In the beginning, was a preacher’s office. It was formless and void of neatness. There were books and files scattered everywhere and the spirit of disorganization was hovering over stacks of papers, old coffee cups, and journals.

And the remodeling committee said “Let there be a new office!” And they created a new office and placed the preacher in there. And many people saw it was not good for the preacher to be alone and left to his own organizational folly so they brought forth Vicki Reece, and placed her in the pastor’s office. Vicki said, “Let there be order and organization.” And it was evening and morning, the first day.

And Vicki said, “Let the books of your library be organized into areas of order. And let there be an expanse between Biblical studies, and Charlie Brown comic books. And the greater light can be on the gospel of John, and Alexander Campbell, and the lesser light be on Dave Barry and Dick Van Dyke. And it was evening and it was morning, the second day.

And Vicki said, “Let there be files made according to topic, and we will separate the to-do lists from 1993, from the box of post-it notes containing phone numbers and no names. Let the office teem with file drawers. And Vicki separated the unopened magazines, and papers that once covered the floor, the desk and walls, and she commanded that they be gathered into organized hanging files for easy future reference. And she commanded that the file folders to be fruitful and multiply. And there was order over the surface of the preacher’s desk, and beautiful new carpet immerged from the floor. And it was evening and morning, the third and fourth day. (This was a two day project).

And then Carol Lasky brought forth a microwave so that the preacher could heat up lunch leftovers, and Jodee Shadrick brought forth a really cool coffee pot and placed it in the preacher’s office. And Vicki said, “Let there be clean coffee cups!” Then Vicki banished into the church kitchen the old coffee cups from the preachers office that were bringing forth vegetation and mold and other manners of alien life. There was great and abundant rejoicing among the coffee drinking crew in the remodeling crew, (and even one youth minister) because they could actually find a clean coffee cup in which to pour their fresh coffee. And there was a table wherein people could truly sit and enjoy a cup of coffee in the preacher’s office. Vicki also brought forth a place mat up on which the clumsy clergyman could spill his coffee while pouring it. It was evening, and morning, the fifth day.

Then Vicki said, let us divide the preachers two guitars in the office from the worship music the preacher has collected over the years. And behold Vicki placed a garbage can in the office, and instructed the preacher as to its proper use. And the women of the church said to the preacher, “To all the pastoral duties you shall freely engage yourself, preaching, calling, counseling, and writing. But if you let this office revert back to its former state, on that day, you will surely die!”

And on the Sabbath, Vickie and other organizers rested from their labors. And the preacher preached the gospel unto the people, and he was indeed exceedingly grateful to all those who helped with the remodel and organizing him.

And it was very good!

Being On The Pill

2007-01-22T14:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, not THAT pill. This one is much less invasive. Years ago, when I was a kid, someone told me I was so dumb, that I had to stay up all night to study for a blood test. Last week, I’ve discovered that to be true. A while back, I flunked a blood test for high cholesterol.
My doctor gave me this funky food chart. Under each food, there are three headings; Choose. Go Easy On. Avoid. Here’s where I messed up on the test. The foods marked, “avoid,” seemed to make up most of my diet. My four basic food groups are cheeseburgers, hotdogs, pizza and burritos. I also manage to baptize the above items in cheddar cheese, butter, or cream cheese. I didn’t ask, but I’m guessing that Twinkies, Ho Ho’s and Almond Roca are also on the “avoid” list.
So it seems my cholesterol is rising faster than the national debt. My cholesterol is supposed to under 200. According to this cool little chart, if it is 200-239, it’s a little too high. If it is over 240, it is high. Mine was in a category all its own. The heading was something like “funeral home.” I also had the triglycerides level of a hump back whale.
So my doctor put me on this little white pill. You’ve seen the commercials for it. They are funny commercials, so I was happy to go on the pill.
Last week, I went in for a blood test to see if the little white pill was working. The lab tech told me that they would call later in the day with the lab results. I had to run to Canby to visit Carol Finney. I stopped at McDonalds on the way out of town.
So while I was driving to Canby, Joni called me on my cell phone to give me the lab results. The conversation went like this:
“The lab called.”
“What did they say?”
“Your cholesterol is great. The doctor’s office said to keep doing what you are doing.”
At that moment, I was finishing a double cheeseburger!
I love this diet plan!
Okay, so that was likely NOT what my doctor had in mind. I’m guessing that a few of you might say that if I cut down on the cheese burgers, I might not need the cholesterol medication. Come to think of it, cheese burgers ranked right up there with shark wrestling on the list of unhealthy things to do. My problem is that it’s so much easier to take a little white pill than to do diet, exercise and other Richard Simmons activities to stay healthier.
Sometimes I find myself being a Cholesterol Christian. I think many of us want a little white pill that does all the work so we don’t have to. Cholesterol Christians want a little white pill so they don’t have do read their Bibles regularly, pray consistently, tithe generously, or serve sacrificially.
So, I’ll try to get to the gym more often, cut back on the cheeseburgers, and see if I can beat my seventh of a ton body back into shape. We Cholesterol Christian can also get our spiritual lives on track by getting into the Word, and letting God have control of our day timers and check books.
It’s a whole lot better than shark wrestling!

Lost in Section C

2007-01-11T11:20:00.000-08:00

I’m excited about our new youth minister, Darin. During his first two weeks with us, we had many, enriching, bonding experiences. We’ve had lunch together. We’ve gone out for coffee. We’ve lost my car in a hospital parking lot. I might need to explain that last one.
We were visiting Carol Finney at Providence Hospital this past week. We had a good visit, even saw Dan Reece who was also visiting up there as well. (Our small group leaders are amazing!) Daren and I went back downstairs and were promptly sucked into the coffee shop on the first floor. (we’re both coffee brothers) Being now fully awake and alert, we found the parking loot. That’s about all we found
The parking structure at Providence has six levels from A-F. They all look alike. They made the silly assumption that preachers can remember which level they parked their car on. Restaurants now give you little coaster like things that blink, flash or sound an alarm when your table is ready. Why can’t they do this for parking garages? At least they could come up with more creative ways to identify their parking lots. This would help some of the brain dead clergy who park in them.
In Disney land, you can park in easy to remember sections. They have Disney character names like Pluto, Mickey Mouse and Donald Trump. Last year on vacation, our family parked in Pinocchio. I can remember that a year later. So why can’t I remember where my parked my car at a hospital?
I think it would be cool if they could decorate each parking level with a different theme. So Darin’s and my conversation would go like this.
“So, Darin did we park in Spiderman, or in the Unicorn lot?”
“Actually Bob, I think we parked in the NFL section. Your car is located between rows Seahawks and 49ners.
No, our actual conversation went like this.
“ I think we parked on level B.”
“Or was it C?”
“Do you think it was D? I was pretty sure it wasn’t E”.
You get the idea. I just needed a flashing neon sign that said
“Hey, moron! Your car is right here!” No such luck.
Keep in mind you are dealing with two guys that could get lost in an elevator. After we arrived at the hospital, we found the green elevators (they are color coded). We had to go to the second floor. I like elevators. It’s hard to get lost in those. Or so I thought. We climbed on with about a half dozen other people. I pushed the number two. And we waited. And we waited. The door didn’t close. Nothing happened. Someone joked “maybe we are overweight.” Darin got out to try pushing the button from the outside. The doors suddenly closed and we entered the Twilight Zone. We all got out on the second floor and I stood waiting for Darin to catch the next car. I waited, and waited.
Cells phones are a wonderful invention. I called Darin.
“Hey, where are you at?”
“I’m in the elevator, it’s not moving”
Knowing our luck that day, Darin would likely end up in Seattle or somewhere. Finally the elevator door opened (on the OTHER elevator) and Darin emerged, unharmed. We were off to visit Carol, and we were glad we weren’t on the psychiatric ward.
After losing my car and my youth minister all in one day, I’m so glad God is easy to find. Isaiah 55:6 says Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near.” Isaiah 41:10 reminds us, “ So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
We can’t lose or misplace God. He is always with us, ready to help, ready to assist, ready to be there. He is like the VISA slogan, “he’s everywhere you want to be.”
If you are lost, call on God. He will help you find your way.
Even in parking garages.

Corrina and the Cranberry Sauce

2007-01-08T09:58:00.000-08:00

My plan almost worked. The plot was calculated with military-like precision. For some, it’s a Thanksgiving meal. For me, it was a battle field. The target; Cranberry Sauce. I’m a preacher for 364 days a year, but on Thanksgiving Day, I turn into a C.S. I. (Cranberry Sauce Inhaler.)
I’ve loved Cranberry Sauce for as long as I can remember. It was love at first bite. Thanksgiving Days are made for Cranberry Sauce. I usually could have all the Cranberry Sauce I wanted until Corrina joined our family. My sister-in-law loves Cranberry Sauce as much as I do! The battle has been raging every since.
This year would be the year I would get the Cranberry Sauce next to my spot at the table, so I could lunge for it after the prayer. On of the benefits of being the family preacher, is that I know in advance when the “Amen” is coming. I’m six-foot one, which means I have about a six foot wing span. If I sat at the middle of the table, I could use the old “boarding house reach” (one foot has to remain on the floor). That Cranberry Sauce would be easy to snatch. As I said, it was a fool proof plan, except my brother-in-law, Frank, got sick.
Frank, Penni, (Joni’s sister) and daughter Heather are living at my Mother-in-laws house. Frank normally sits at the head of the table, and that leaves me free to sit more toward the middle and be within easy Cranberry cruising range. But last Thursday, Frank was sick and downstairs in bed. Being the next in line in succession, I found myself at the head of the table, leaving Corrina to take plot her own Cranberry Sauce strategy. She won the spot in the middle, a mere 5 inches from the Cranberry Crown of victory. She won this year. Next year, we vowed to each bring two cans; one for each holster. It will be the Cranberry Shootout at the Ocean Spray Corral.
As I sat at the head of the table, mourning my Cranberry Catastrophe and drowning my sorrows in dressing and gravy, a thought occurred to me.
Our family table has changed over the years. Some changes are sad, such as losing my Father-in-law, Dick Winchell who died in 1998. I greatly loved, admired and respected him and it always seems weird when I sit at his spot at the table. But I realized the blessings of that spot. He had a Dad’s eye view of the family. There are good changes at the table. Joni and I have a new daughter-in-law, Britiney. Corrina and Will have a new son, Eli Woodrow. Actually, my eight month old newest nephew was a critical part of my battle plan. I was counting on Corrina being busy with the King of Cute, so I could make my way through the Ocean Spray Obstacle course, and spirit away the Cranberry Sauce. As I pondered the changes in our family table, I wondered about myself. I’ve changed over the years. I’m a little grayer, and more Cranberry shaped, thanks to the roughly 175 pounds of Ocean Spray I’ve consumed over the years. (Give or take). As a Christians, we need to be more concerned about a different kind of fruit. Galatians 5:22, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. I need to myself, “Am I more loving, kind, and gentle in the time since Corrina’s and my last Cranberry Combat? Do people see the fruit of Christ in my life? Am I improving in each of these areas? I hope so. I hope to consume more of Christ this year, and to bear His fruit in my life. In the meantime, just keep passing that Cranberry Sauce!

Bouncing A Spell Check

2007-01-08T09:55:00.000-08:00

Spell check is to computers as napkins are to a person eating ribs. It’s a necessity. A wonderful convience. For the non-computer literate, Spell Check works like this. You type a word, a sentence, or novel into your computer. When you are finished, you simply hit a key, and computer checks all of your words to see if they are spelled correctly. If they are not, it will offer you a few choices for you to choose from. It works well…most of the time.
The problem with Spell Check, is that if you misspell a word and your misspelling makes another word, the spell checker won’t spot it. Hence, you need to proofread the document even after Spell Check it.
Let me introduce you to an old computer game. It is called “Spell Check Suicide.” It’s easy to play. Simply forget to proofread a document after you run Spell Check. There are entire volumes of “bulletin bloopers,” that are the results of not checking after Spell Check.
For example, if you leave the “g” out of the word, “sing” you could end up with a printed announcement on a poster like one we had in my first ministry; “Come for a great time, of fun, games and group sinning.” I had a number of people call me and ask me how they can be a part of group sinning. We had a famous blooper a few years ago here, when a “Pantry Shower” turned into a “Panty Shower.” It’s frightening to think about what a few misplaced letters can do.
Let’s go back in time together to a week ago. Joni and I were getting our Christmas letter done. We had proof read it several times. I went back and even made a number of corrections. But I forgot to proofread it after running Spell Check for one last time. One line in our Christmas letter was supposed to read as follows: “Randy turned 20 this year, which made dear old Dad grab the Geritol.” It was a cute line, but not particularly funny. So you can imagine my surprise when a couple of days ago, at a brunch at our house, my mother in law was reading our Christmas letter and started laughing hysterically. She was reading the line above. Because young children may read this, I won’t say exactly what the new version said. If you really want to know, type the word “Geritol” on your computer and then run Spell Check. The first word on the list is what appeared in our Christmas letter. Did I mention we had already mailed out 120 of these to friends and family around Oregon, the United States, and even a foreign missionary? The emails are starting to come in. I have the feeling I’ll still be teased about this in the nursing home in 40 years.
Proof reading is critical. It’s important for the printed word and more important for our lives. In 2 Corinthians 13:5, we are told to proofread our own lives. Are there typos in our temper? Are there misspellings in our morals? Are there errors in our ethics or integrity? When we let the Bible and the Holy Spirit proofread our lives through prayer, study and accountably to other Christians, ours is a life that can be read, free from error.
And remember to use your smell chick.

The Chosen Pew

2006-11-01T13:34:00.000-08:00

Last week, three of our church pews, Comfortable, Padded, and My Favorite, were having a conversation. Let’s listen in …

Comfortable: “Did you hear the news?”
Padded: “Yes, I did, and I’m excited about it!”
My Favorite: “What news? What are you two pews talking about?”
Padded: “We’re moving to a new home.”
Comfortable: “We’re going to a place that needs us.”
My Favorite: “But what about this church? What are people going to sit on?”
Comfortable: “They are getting chairs. You know that chairs are our descendants. My granddaughter even has my name—she is a Comfortable chair.”
Padded: “My niece, Padded, will be one of the chairs, too.”
My Favorite: “But why do they want chairs? They are so young and inexperienced. Lots of people have prayed on me during the years.”
Comfortable: “Lots of people have SLEPT on you, dear! They just look like they are praying.”
Padded: “I’m sure they prayed, too. But the chairs are younger and more mobile. They move around more easily than we do.”
Comfortable: “Oh yes, they can move off to the side, and the building can be used for children’s programs, dinners, youth events…”
My Favorite: “They can’t do that—We’re in a SANCTUARY!”
Padded: “Actually, we aren’t dear.”
My Favorite: “What do you mean, we aren’t in a sanctuary?”
Comfortable: “Honestly! You’ve had Bible’s in front of you for years! Haven’t you ever read one?”
My Favorite: “Well…”
Padded: “Look at Hebrews 9:1. It talks about the earthly tabernacle (sanctuary) that was set up in the time of Moses.”
My Favorite: “See, it proves my point exactly.”
Comfortable: “Keep reading. Look at verse 24. “For Christ did not enter a man-made sanctuary that was only a copy of the true one; he entered heaven itself, now to appear for us in God's presence.”
My Favorite: “So, this is saying that Christ is the sanctuary?”
Comfortable: “When humans come into God’s presence, through Christ, they are in the sanctuary of God.” Padded: “The sanctuary of God is really in the hearts of the humans Christ died for.”
My Favorite: “So we are going to a good home, to a church that really needs us.”
Comfortable: “That’s right, and those younger, newer chairs will carry on the proud tradition of allowing people to sit, pray, sing, and listen to God’s word.”
Padded: “Don’t forget the occasional nap.”
My Favorite: “You two are comfortable and padded after all.”
Comfortable: “And pretty soon, someone will say, ‘That’s my favorite chair.’”
Padded: “I do hope those humans use some of the chairs in front. The pews up front got awfully lonely.”
Comfortable: “Here comes the movers. They would get nervous if they heard us talking.”
My Favorite: “I’m excited this church has an extra big room that can be more used for God’s work.”
Padded: “I’m so excited we are one of the chosen pews!”

My New Friend, Fred

2006-10-11T10:30:00.000-07:00

That’s what I named him anyway. Let me back up a bit. Last week, one of the workers on our church remodel came into the office. He was a sub contractor whom I had not met before. He spoke quietly, but with a look of urgency in his eyes. “Are you the pastor?” “Yes” “I have something to show you.”

So he and I took a walk to the back of our building. He pointed to a garbage can next to our new remodeled educational wing. I walked up slowly and peeked in. A snake was coiled up in the garbage can, obviously not glad to see me. The workers next words broke into my thoughts, “Is he yours?”

Is he mine? Are you kidding? Do I look like a snake handler? The worker didn’t stick around for me to give me an answer. He was gone and I was left holding the garbage can, or at least, looking into it. Actually, he was a rather attractive snake. He was a copper colored with diamonds on his back. My California heritage kicked in and I looked for rattles. Nope. I guess he was mine for now, so I named him “Fred”—Fred, the snake. Now, for those reading this, if your name is Fred, please don’t take offense. If someone dumps an ugly dog, or a beautiful snake at your place of business, and you want to name him “Bob,” I’m fine with that.

So I’m looking into this garbage can with a snake on the bottom. Fred and I came to an agreement then and there. He would guard the bottom of the garbage can, and I would admire him from afar. Being a manly man, I did what some guys would do—I left him there. I did tear off a piece of “caution” tape from the construction site and draped it over the can. It seemed more appropriate than a sign that said, “Beware of Fred,” or “Danger, Attack Snake!”

Everyone who came by the office got to meet Fred. I was asked the normal questions that all new snake owners must answer.
“What kind is he?” (I have no clue). “Does he bite?” (I’m not sticking MY hand in there to find out.)

They offered several suggestions about what to DO with Fred. Taking him home was not an option—my wife, my daughter and my cat would organize a quick rebellion. Apparently there are a couple of gentlemen in town that keep snakes, one as a hobby and one who gives great presentations to schools about reptiles. I mention this because, the next day, I went out to see how Fred’s day was going and he was gone! He left as mysteriously as he appeared.

I don’ know where Fred went, but according to the scriptures, I will see him again. In Isaiah, we find a word picture of what heaven might be like. In chapter 11, verses 6-7, we see these words, “the wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and the yearling together; and a little child will lead them. The cow will feed with the bear, their young will lie down together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox.”

Now comes the part about Fred. In verse 8, we find, “The infant will play near the hole of the cobra, and the young child put his hand into the viper's nest.” This is talking about heaven because there was no earthly way I was going to put my hand in that garbage can. I wasn’t touching Fred for all the money on “Deal or No Deal” Heaven is going to be a place where creation will be restored to Eden Days, animals and people will get along. The lion and the lamb, the leopard and the goat, Bill Clinton and Rush Limbaugh will all get along. People we don’t get along with on earth, if they are Christians, will dwell together with us praising God. Enemies will be family, and we will all glorify God together. And you will find me there…

With my new friend, Fred.

That Wonderful Garage Band

2006-10-03T08:14:00.000-07:00

I didn’t know it possible to have that much fun in a garage. But I did. If I’m doing my math right, a 10 foot by 15 foot garage provided us with 150 square feet of musical heaven. The name of my brother-in-law’s blue grass band is “One Way Train.” They let me ride along Saturday night and what a fun ride it was. We were the Baby Boomer boys, out for a night of strumming and funning.

The group has quite the variety of styles. They do secular and Christian. They play bluegrass, country, and a little soft rock thrown in for good measure. This night we played John Denver, and the Eagles. We played country gospel hymns with four part harmony. My brother-in-law, Frank, has also written a lot of amazing songs and we sang those as well. I had listened to their demo CD, so I knew a few of the original songs—or at least I thought I did.

Bear in mind these guys play together ever week. I’m sitting in for the first time. They graciously placed a notebook full of words and guitar chords in front of me, so that was no problem. They had amps, microphones and the whole gig. It was a cozy studio, with a few sleeping bags, canned goods, and garbage cans to add to the garage motif.

Frank and I have played together for over 25 years. He and Joni and I would trio all over the place. This night, we did a couple of Frank’s and my favorite songs to get me warmed up. No problem. Then we got down to business and played some of their numbers. I strummed along, and added some bass vocals, but there were a few problems. They all stopped playing during one song for a “dramatic pause.” I kept right on playing. Frank was playing an electric 12 string, which I break the 10th commandment every time I see it. Matt was on bass guitar. Steve was playing lead, and Mike was on the drums. At one point, Matt and Frank dropped out so Steve could do a solo. Dummy me kept right on strumming.

About the fifth time this happened, I glanced around at the other guys, expecting to see scowls, or at least a random dirty look. Nope! They were smiling and enjoying our time together, despite my wrong notes, missed chords, and a few other guitar guffaws.

The climax of the evening came when we sang John Denver’s hit, “Take me home Country Roads.” That was the first song I learned on guitar, and if I do say so myself, we sounded pretty doggone good.

I don’t think the Apostle Paul played in a bluegrass, country rock band, but he knew something about playing together. In Romans 12:5-6, we see these words. “So in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us.”

Paul, of course, was talking about the church. It’s my goal and desire that our church, and especially our small groups, take on a garage band mentality. We, as individuals, join in and put our gifts together to make beautiful music that a tone deaf community longs to hear. We welcome the first timers that want to sit in with us. We put up with their mistakes because we haven’t played together as much. It won’t be long, though, before we are making fantastic music together and are having a lot of fun doing it.

Let’s get on The One Way Train and play together!

Top Ten Things to Do When You Lose Electricity During A Worship Service

2006-09-26T14:34:00.000-07:00

10. Have a preacher with a big mouth who can preach both sermons without a microphone.

9. Have a great worship minister with a battery operated keyboard.

8. Use Bongo drums instead of electric drums.

7. Have battery operated amps for the electric guitars.

6. Cook breakfast before power goes off, and cook clam chowder for the Ministry Fair after power comes back on.

5. Have Sunday School teachers with night vision goggles.

4. Have Sunday School teachers who combine classes or move to different rooms.

3. Use hymnbooks and songs sheets instead of Power Point.

2. Use a “low tech” lapel microphone for the preacher (Dixie cup and a battery, thanks to Marcus Storey for some comic relief.)

And the # 1 thing you have to have when you loose electricity during your worship services…

1. Flashlights in the bathrooms, thanks to quick thinking by Rex Putman!

We had fun Sunday morning. Inconvenience gave way to good attitudes when our power went off during my sermon in the first service and came back on during my sermon in the second service (do you think the power company is trying to tell me something?).

We had a few days advance notice, so that was helpful. It was just as helpful that everyone had a good sense of humor about things, and we had a great day especially as Vern, our battery operated guitar player, came forward and transferred his membership to our church!. Praise the Lord.

The apostle Peter reminded the church to already be ready with an answer when we are asked about our faith (I Peter 3:15) Paul told his apprentice, Timothy, to be ready to preach the gospel “in season and out of season.” (2 Timothy 4:2)

Be prepared and be flexible, ready for anything. It’s great advice for a church without electricity, and it’s even greater advice for all of us as Christians. We can rely on Christ’s power to get us through dark times. If we trust God, and work together, great things can happen.

Even greater than flashlights in bathrooms!

Cinderella Lawnmower

2006-09-12T09:14:00.001-07:00

If the shoe fits, put it on fast, because the other one might disappear!

I was getting ready to mow the lawn the other day. We have a box on our back deck with outside shoes. I used to keep an old pair of sneakers in there, just to wear when I mow the lawn. They are old, grass stained and somewhat dorky looking, so I don’t wear them in public, just to do lawn work. I say I used to have them because one sneaker has been missing for most of the summer. Each time I’ve mowed the lawn, I go through the following shoe ritual. I find the one sneaker on the top of the pile. I dig through the rest of the snow boots, rubber boots and about 10 pairs of Angie’s shoe collection overflow. The missing sneaker was nowhere to be found. I end up wearing an old pair of hiking boots for my lawn mowing mission.

On this day, I decide to forgo the missing sneaker scenario, get the hiking boots, and get the job done. This is because I slept in, messed around and it is now 94 degrees outside. I find one hiking boot, emptied the box (I’m pretty good at doing this by now) and behold, there was only one boot! Hopping on one foot while mowing the lawn requires more coordination than I’m capable of. Besides, it might look weird to the neighbors. I was forced to make a decision only a man could make. I looked at my hiking boot, and my one faithful sneaker. The sneaker fit on my left foot and my hiking boot on my right foot. The women of my house were otherwise occupied, so I wore a sneaker on one foot, a hiking boot on the other foot, and I was all set to conquer my lawn.

As the lawnmower and me were making a lap around the landscape, I glanced under one of the trees in my backyard. There was my missing hiking boot (the one that wasn’t currently on my foot)! How in the world did it get across my back yard? I had two theories:
1. The boot got in a fight with the other shoes in the box and decided to stage a walk out (or hike out).
2. A sneaky neighbor dog with too much time on its paws decided to play “Let’s hide the hiking boot.” I’m still waiting for forensic evidence to come back, or maybe I’ve been watching way too much CSI.

I wondered all this as I snagged the boot, tossed it back on the shoe pile, and finished the lawn. A mystery solved, and my dandelions were cut down. Not bad for an afternoons work.

Next, I decided to tackle our overrun blackberry bush which is pretty ambitious for an overheated fat guy in 90 plus degree weather. I went out our back fence behind our property. Two housing developments are getting married back there, so the field is now housing plots with streets. The developer removed most of the blackberries except for the ones behind my back fence. As I hacked and plodded through the underbrush, I saw it, practically hidden by the killer blackberry vines.

My missing tennis shoe! I doubt if my neighbor dog is that ambitious, so I’m sure there is a renegade gang of shoe snatchers lurking in our suburb. I’ll have to check the FBI website.

In Luke 15, Jesus told a parable of a missing tennis shoe and a missing hiking boot. Well, actually, He told about a lost sheep, a coin and a lost son, all of whom are worth more than my tennis shoe and hiking boot. But the truth is the same. There is joy in finding lost stuff. There is greater joy in finding lost people.

If we take the time to look around, there are lost people all around us—folks that have been coming to church and have missed a Sunday or two, or five. We see people sitting in the pews that look sad or lonely, or are hurting. There are people missing from our small groups. We may not know why they are lost; the important thing is finding them, connecting them and reconnecting them to the Lord and His people. It’s all of our jobs to seek the save the lost. If we work together, it’s amazing who we may find.
And beware of sneaky neighbor dogs.

Meet My New Friend, Jay Leno

2006-08-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

Not exactly a friend, more like a new acquaintance. Okay, not even an acquaintance. Let me explain.

Our family was at Universal Studios Theme Park recently. There are theme park characters walking all around. Joni, and Angie got their picture taken with Zorro. So we go around a corner and I see a guy dressed up in a Jay Leno costume. Only it’s not a costume -it’s Jay Leno! He’s taping a segment of his show called “Jaywalking.” He interviews people on the street in hopes they will have stupid answers to his questions. Joni rushes over, trying to capture the Kodak moment. As she is snapping a picture of one of my idols, this lady walks up to me, clipboard in hand and says,

“Would you like to be interviewed by Jay Leno.?

“Wow.! Would I?” I’m led to a line, and I sign a release form saying I can be on TV, and won’t sue if a camera falls on my head. I’m wearing my floppy hat from Hawaii. With my gray beard, I look like Gilligan in a nursing home. I’m wearing a T-Shirt that says, “ Alcatraz, Psycho Unit: Outpatient.” I’m introduced to Jay, he asks me where I’m from and what I do. I mention I’m a minister. He says,

“So, does that shirt make your congregation nervous?”
I think I said something witty and brilliant like,

“Yes”

The interview itself was a Jaywalking segment called “What you learned in school.” Specifically, there were three sets of questions, 2nd grade, 4th grade, and 8th grade. Jay asked me,
“So, you’ve been to college? Again, my charming comeback,

“Yes”

I got the 2nd grade questions, which were actually easy. So I got moved up to 4th grade.
I remember Mrs. Donohue was my fourth grade teacher. I recall liking her, and having a good year. I obviously didn’t learn anything though. Jay’s next question was
“What do whales eat?” I have a bachelor’s degree, a masters degree, and an earned doctorate. So, my educated answer was

“Uh”

Jay was trying to helpful.
“It’ starts with ‘P”.

I thought about peanut butter, which I’m sure all living things must eat. Jay continued his questions to the brain damaged preacher
“It contains the word plank.”
Back to 2nd grade.
That’s how you get to be on national TV. This interview was not at all how it played out in my imagination. I thought I would be chatting with dear brother Jay, and he would be amused by my whit and charm. He would be so impressed that he would ask me to be one of his writers. I would still live and preach here, but on the side, I would be his main humor writer. Okay, so I have a rich fantasy life. The most whitty thing I did was shake his hand.

I’ve liked Jay Leno for years. He is a good comedian, and I enjoy his humor. I always thought it would be cool to be at a taping for his show, and get to be in the front row and shake his hand as he greets the audience before each monologue.
Now I’ve actually shaken Jay Leno’s hand. And yes, I have washed my hand. (but not before Joni, Angie and Cassie shook it first!.) My hand didn’t glow. I didn’t feel any current or anything special by shaking his hand. But I’ll remember the experience. I’ll tell my grandkids, who will look up at their grandfather with admiration and ask,
“Who’s Jay Leno?” I’m the only one who will remember this experience.
I’m guessing Jay Leno won’t. I say this is because right before the interview, he paused to sign a few autographs, and then turned back to be and said to his crew
“Back to work.”
I’m part of the job. Just one of the dozens of people he interviews, shakes hands with and visits as part of being a big T.V. star. I’m likely the fat guy in the funny hat and shirt.
That’s okay. Now each time I see Jay Leno I’ll know he’s shorter in person than on TV. (he fills my screen) I also know that he doesn’t remember me. I’ll remember though, that more than 30 years ago, I met another celebrity. I didn’t shake his hand but Jesus Christ shook my life at a church camp in California. James 2:23, mentions that Abraham was regarded as a “friend of God.’ That phrase has been in my mind, mostly because of a chorus by that name I’m singing over and over. The old hymn, “What a friend we have in Jesus,” has the same truth. I’m a friend of God. I will sit as his right hand in heaven. We will laugh together and share eternity as only friends can do.
Jaywalking was fun and memorable, but personally, I’d rather be “Jesus walking.”

Do You Know The Way To San Pedro?

2006-08-25T17:31:00.000-07:00

I thought I did. Most guys hate to ask directions, and I admit to an attack of Machoism. We were returning to Joni’s sisters’ house after our second fun-filled day at Disney Land. I had made the drive successfully on Monday. Wednesday found me using the same route I successfully took on Monday. It was simple. Go north on I-5, take West 91, and then south 110 and we were home free. Child’s play—a piece of cake. We were laughing, joking and I missed the West 91 turn off.

I refer you to paragraph one. Most guys, when they discover they are lost, will do one of two things:

A. Stop the car, open the hood, and sneak a peek at the map.
B. Drive around hoping something looks familiar, or your wife discovers you are lost, whichever comes first.

It was late, so I opted for Plan B. This stretch of I-5 was not looking at all familiar. My wonderful wife of 26 years was on to me. A quarter of a century of marriage, and hundreds of miles of road trips have led us to an agreement—I don’t have babies and she doesn’t read road maps. Time to switch drivers so I could read the map and Joni could drive. We took an off ramp, pulled over, and made the switch.

I think Los Angeles is experimenting with hiding highway on ramps to cut down on Oregon Tourists. We could not find our way back to the freeway. We drove next to I-5. We drove over it, and under it, but couldn’t get back ON it. We ended up in a, shall we say, suspicious neighborhood. Here’s the picture. We are in LA, driving through a scary neighborhood, at midnight. As we drove by a school, I noticed a group of gang-like boys having a meeting. By the time we had circled the same block three times, I could tell we were now the agenda of their meeting. At this very moment a light flickered on our dashboard. It was in the shape of a car battery. Joni says, “What does that light mean?” It means we are in a heap of trouble.

The story of “Daniel in the Lion’s Den” came to mind, but these lions had headbands and tattoos. My years of seminary training came to mind and I fashioned a well crafted prayer just for this emergency. It went like this…

“GOD, DO SOMETHING, QUICK!!”

Not flowery, but effective. I love it when the Lord bails us out of our stupidity. An onramp appeared. It was even the right highway going in the right direction. We found our way home, the car ran fine (although we replaced the alternator and various other things the next day) and we made it home to Molalla.

Have you ever been on the wrong road? I’m thinking spiritually, not so much geographically. Sometimes I find myself wandering down dangerous roads. I’m sure you’ve been on them, too. They have names like, “Attitude Avenue,” “Selfish Street.” “Grudge Gulch.” In Matthew 7:13-14, Jesus tells us these roads are wide and easy to find. The road that Jesus wants us to walk is narrow and harder to find, but He promises to guide us when we get lost and helps us to find our way home.

Even in LA!

The Bar Ichy Code

2006-07-25T15:37:00.000-07:00

Things seem to cost more on the coast. That was my assumption when my family visited a pharmacy last week while on vacation. We needed some bug bit balm, or something to cure the vacation ichy’s. Joni and her sister were paying for the items. I wasn’t paying a lot of attention as our treasures were being rung up. I was being hypnotized by the bar code. You hear the blip, blip, blip as your items are run across the scanner thingy. All of a sudden, the blip went beeeeeeep! I heard the clerk’s voice say,

“Whoa, look at that!”

There are certain people you don’t want to hear that from. Your dentist is one. . .Your auto mechanic is another. I’ve not heard that statement from a pharmacy clerk before, so I wasn’t worried until I looked up.

The cash register told the story. The ointment was $34,260.69 (plus tax)! I always thought prices were a little high on the coast, but this seemed a bit much.

I’m guessing there was something wrong with the do hickey that connects the scanner with the what-cha-ma-call-it! In other words, I had no clue what the problem was. The clerk scanned the bug balm again. Again, the price came up. I held my breath. What was next; a thousand dollars for a Tic Tac? Retail clerks are such amazing people. She punched about a thousand buttons, solved the problem, and we were soon on our way, bug balm in hand and our vacation budget intact.

Bar Codes fascinate me. They are on most products we buy; everything from toilet paper to underwear. The codes seem to mysteriously know about sale prices, coupons and my cat’s name. Bar Codes are also like your appendix, or the brakes on your car. You don’t pay any attention to it until something goes wrong.

God has given us a scanner for the Bar Codes of our lives. It has a more religious sounding name; The Holy Spirit. In John 16:5-15 Jesus tells his disciples that he will send the Holy Spirit to be with us. The Holy Spirit scans our lives daily and knows more about us than we do about ourselves. Every so often, we hear a beeeeep. Something is wrong. It might be a faulty attitude, a misspoken word, some gossip or a grudge. We see the sin, fix it, and life goes on.

Scanners come in different shapes and sizes. There are the ones on the little belt that runs by itself at the check out stand. It also the hand held ones the check out folks use so you don’t have to lift the 50 lb bag of cat food out of your cart. The Holy Spirit works in various ways too. He works through the Bible, a small voice in our minds, and in our small groups as we share our lives with each other.

The next time you are in a check out line, remember that God is checking you out as well. You might not hear a beep, but you might get a spiritual pat on the back or poke in the ribs, depending on how your code is doing.

How much did you pay for YOUR bug balm?

Playstation Small Group

2006-06-08T15:39:00.001-07:00

I learned all about small group ministry from a polar bear on a go-cart.

We have a new addition to our family. We bought a play-station at a garage sale with about 20 games. Yes, it’s a regular Play-Station. It’s not a Play-Station 2, or an X-box or Ice box or whatever the kids are playing nowadays. I pride myself at being at least 10 years behind the newest technology.

A word of caution though: If you are over 40, and are wading into the techno gadget waters, always have a life guard type technical advisor who is under 20. In this case, I was in good hands with my teenage daughter. Angie explained the controls and we picked a driving game neither of us had played before. No instructions, we just started playing.

Our game is called Crash Team Racing, or CTR. In this game, a screen showed us that we could choose a character. The choices included a polar bear, a mad scientist, a weasel, an alligator, a fox, a blonde girl, and a person that reminded me of my third grade teacher. Our characters could race around tracks with names like, Hot Air Highway (must be for preachers), Cortex Castle, Roos Tubes, Polar Pass, etc. The fox and the polar bear chose the castle, and then had to decide whether to race the other characters around a track, or just chase each other.

We chased each other around a castle; my pokey polar bear was no match for the fox. We crashed into each other and were having great fun. After about 10 minutes, we thought, “there has to be more to this.”

Sure enough, we discovered the “Adventure Level.” It was an instruction level. This little guy in a mask explained the game, rules ect. He told us that by running over fruit, and smashing into wooden boxes, our go-cart could go faster. That matches my approach to auto mechanics so I was all set. Our tour guide also explained we could gather weapons (the wooden boxes with a “?” on them), and use them to push opponents out of the way, and win a race.

Take it from me, nothing says “I love you daughter,” more than lobbing grenades at my teenager. Angie, in turn, prepared for Father’s Day by shooting guided missiles at the poor aged polar bear, knocking him out of first place as she sped by to victory.

As a father, the Play-Station can be a fun activity with your kids. As a husband, I have learned the hard way that a Play-Station is not a valid excuse for not mowing the lawn, feeding the cat, or going to bed on time.

But it is a great model for our small groups. Our Thursday night small group is an Adventure Level. As we gather together, we talk about the polar bear race of life. We pray for each other and encourage each other. We don’t lob grenades, but we do tease each other's kids, and joke around quite a bit.
Our practice track allows group members to practice their leadership skills by reading scripture, praying out loud, planning events, leading the discussion etc. The goal of our race is to train our group members to eventually lead other groups.

Take it from a slightly used polar bear. If you want fun and adventure, choose the character of Christ, and join a small group this fall. You will be encouraged, equipped, prayed for and loved a lot. You will have lots of friends as you race around the track of the Christian life.

Excuse me; Angie is firing another missile at me….

Runaway Dork!

2006-05-23T16:22:00.000-07:00

Dateline – 1971. I am 14 years old, and I’m changing my clothes for gym class. As I put my bell bottoms and tie die shirt in my locker and head for P.E, I remember thinking, “I’m not good at this. Do people think I’m a dork? Do I look like a dork?”

Not much has changed in 34 years.

I’m at the gym this morning, using a treadmill. Treadmills are these satanic instruments designed for ultimate humiliation. These evil machines do have some cool features. It has a stop, and start button. It has these numbers that flash and give you all sorts of useful information, like how many calories you have used, how many calories you are burning per minutes, how far you’ve gone, and how long you’ve been walking. It also has a number I have no idea what it is. I’m suspecting it’s my time of death.

The number I normally focus on is the distance traveled. When I started back to the gym a few weeks ago, my goal was to walk a mile before Angie graduated from high school. Over days of workout wonders, I can now do it in around 20 minutes. I’m sure that’s an Olympic record somewhere.

The number I focused on this morning was 3.3. It’s the speed that you are walking. You can dial the speed from 0, which I’m most comfortable, to some high number I don’t want to think about. I don’t want my obituary to read, “death by treadmill.” I’ve been doing 3.3 for a few days now. I’m guessing it’s over three miles an hour. I was pretty proud of myself until this morning.

Monday, May 22nd, must be National Treadmill Day, because all the treadmills were being used this morning. Normally I’m by myself. But this morning, we had a treadmill club going. So I stepped on. I pushed on and set the speed knob at 2.0; you know to warm up the old whatever muscles. The treadmills are side by side in a straight line, facing a few TV’s suspended from the ceiling. As I’m sweating to Katie Couric’s final days on the Today Show, I pushed my treadmill to 3.3. I couldn’t see Katie because sweat was blurring my vision. I couldn’t hear her charming commentary because of my gasping breaths. But I felt great. I was in a zone, so I did the unthinkable. I boosted my treadmill to 3.5! The wind was rushing by my head. Life was good. In fact, I was doing great until I glanced to my right and my left. The people around me were going at 4.6!

Did I mention they were women? One was casually talking on a cell phone. The other was listening to her I-pod. As I scanned the horizon, everyone was going faster than me! I was the dead weight in a power puff treadmill party! Instantly, I was 14 years old, and dork-like feelings rushed over me.

You know the feeling. People can do things better than I can do them. There are folks who are smarter, better looking, have more stuff, etc., etc., etc. When I find myself on this pity party treadmill, Christ pushes the STOP button, and reminds me that I am an adopted son (Ephesians 1) and an heir to the Kingdom (Ephesians 3). God loves me.

Even when I’m a dork!

Grand Theft Elder

2006-05-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

In today’s world, church elders and pastoral staff need to have solid qualities to help the church face this changing culture. These qualities include:

Maturity in the Lord
Love for the scriptures
The ability to use a Slim Jim

Okay, so the last quality is not found in the New Testament. It did come in handy on our return trip from Idaho a couple of weeks ago.

Six of us, Allen, Dorys, Andy, Ryan and Sara and I were in my van, and we were caravanning with Dan and Vicki who were in Dan’s truck. We stopped at a rest stop in Boardman to stretch our legs. Dan was sitting in his truck, driver’s door open, reading a map. He and I were talking about the distance to home, where to stop for dinner, etc. As I leaned on his door handle I heard a loud click. I didn’t think too much about it at the time.

Automatic door locks can be a useful thing. Truck manu-facturers didn’t factor in silly preachers whose elbows are not where they should be. Vicki was not in the van and Dan had shut the door and the preacher locked it. His keys and wallet were in the truck.

Houston, we have a problem!

I learned a lot about Allen White on this trip. I already knew he was gifted in bus ministry and children’s ministry. He is a talented trumpet player. On this trip, I learned he has a love for books. I also learned he loves a challenge, especially mechanical. He is a great problem solver.

I’ m not as much a problem solver as I am a problem whiner. My motto is, “when the going gets tough, the tough moan and complain.” But this was an emergency, so I summoned all my mechanical ability and called AAA. Actually, Dan called AAA and I was standing by ready to help if needed. (Don’t ask how many people does it take to make a phone call?)

Meanwhile, Allen had recruited Andy, our associate pastor, and sped to work. They needed something long and thin to squeeze between the door and the truck and push the unlock button. I’m long and fat, so I wouldn’t work. Allen surgically removed the antenna on my van. Andy jumped on the trucks running board, grabbed the door, and pulled it toward him while Allen worked the antenna. While MacGyver and Rambo were breaking into the truck, Dan was still talking to AAA while I supervised. We all prayed that an elder and our associate pastor were as good at criminal mischief as they are as spiritual leaders.

They were. Allen and Andy (AA) got the door open just as AAA told us someone would be there in two hours to help us.

And if the preacher locks your keys in your car, call AA!

A Drive By Shooting

2006-04-24T15:45:00.000-07:00

Actually, it was more of a walk by than a drive by. It was also more of a squirting than a shooting. But I was hit and there was red stuff.

Joni, Angie and I were minding our own business at the grocery section of Wal-Mart the other day. I was trying to head my family to the important places, like the cookie and coffee isle.

All of a sudden, I hear a little kid’s voice from behind me and around my ankles. The voice was saying those two words adults everywhere dread.

“Uh, oh!”

Nothing good ever happens when you hear those words. Before I could turn around, something red splashed near my feet.

My first thought came from seeing too many CSI shows. Blood spatter! Before I could get a DNA sample, I heard the little boy’s mother behind me. “It’s okay, honey, it’s only ketchup.”

Footsteps behind me told the story. The little guy had spilled a ketchup bottle on the floor. Mom didn’t notice any real damage, so they took off. About that time I felt something wet on my backside. It was ketchup! It was all over the back of my jeans. I had a hiney full of Heinz.

I’m sure his mother didn’t know I had been hit. Or maybe she realized it, but didn’t know how to approach me. “I’m sorry sir; I think my son put ketchup on your buns.” She surely didn’t know.

As I headed off to the bathroom, I had a fleeting thought about trying to find the ketchup culprit. I could have the security people stop any kid under 10 and check for ketchup under their fingernails. Then a Bible verse hit me—One of my favorite prayers of Jesus.

Luke 23:34, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

Jesus prayed this for the solders who were crucifying him. If Jesus can pray that prayer for those guys, I can pray the same prayer after being ambushed by Ronald McDonald.

I love this prayer. I pray it for people who shut off their brains and then leave their mouths running. It’s great for folks who say things that hurt my feelings or irritate me. It’s a fantastic prayer for other drivers who forget to bring their Seeing Eye Dog with them. I’ve prayed this prayer for people when I have one nerve left and someone is getting on it.

I’ll likely never know the identity of my condiment assailant, but I know how to pray for people like him.

I think it would work for mustard, too…. .

Church Winter Olympics

2006-04-20T14:55:00.000-07:00

Remember this year’s Winter Olympics? For 16 days or so, our TV screens were red with ice, snow and, well, more ice and snow. Here are some fun, interesting and often challenging Winter Olympic events that you will find in most local churches.

Short Track: Sunday School Kids running through the halls and then bump into the teacher.

Compulsory Dance: The same kids dodging pews and little old ladies to get to the cookies after church.

Half Pike: The kids who can crawl under the pews to get to the cookies.

Curling: What people do while they snooze during a sermon

Skeleton: What the body of Christ looks like when people skip church.

Four Man Bobsaid; Guys who stand around after church talking about the sermon.

Speed skating: What we do around a topic of conversation when we have gossiped a bit to much about the person we are talking with.

Ski Jump: Some of the conclusions we draw as a result of that gossip

Downhill: Where people’s lives have to go before they think to pray

Luge: Rhymes with the amount of blessings you get when you give to God.

Cross Country: Where some of our missionaries go, like Dave and Cynde Norberg and family who return from Trinidad and are going with our Mexico Team this summer.

Gold Medal: What we get in heaven when we are faithful to our Lord here on earth.

Prayer Central

2006-04-20T14:52:00.000-07:00

Heaven was more beautiful than John could imagine. As he wandered around the streets of gold, he came to this huge, modern looking complex. John saw an angel, bent over a computer-like devise, but it far more advanced than John had ever seen. He cleared his throat and greeted the angel.

“Hi,” said John.

“Hi, John. Welcome to Prayer Central.”

“What’s Prayer Central?”

“When you were don earth, did you ever wonder how God heard all those prayers? Well, this is how.” The angel was happy to answer John’s many questions.

The scene was unbelievable. The computer desks formed a huge circle. At each desk, an angel sat. The angel would grab a piece of paper looking substance from a printer, jump up, run down a hallway and turn into a doorway, which was marked by a sign. There were hundreds of hallways, forming spokes that came off a hub.

“How does this work?” John asked.

“It’s really quite simple,” said the angel. “The prayers come pouring in, thousands per second. The angels take them and put each on it categories in those doorways, down those halls.”

“Can I see the doorways?”

“Of course! You might even find some of your prayers. Let’s take a look.” They walked down a hallway. There were hundreds of doorways on either side of the hall. The angel stopped at one. The room was almost overflowing with glowing papers.

“This is our most popular, the Bed Time and Dinner Time Recited Prayers.” John looked in the doorway and saw some words flashing. “Oh, I recognize that one. Now I lay me down to sleep…,”said John. “That’s our most popular one,” said the angel. “Here’s another one that we get lots of, “God is great, God is good, now we thank Him for our food.” On the other side of the room, John saw stacks and stacks of the Lord’s Prayer.

As they continued down the hall, they saw another doorway marked, “Kid’s Prayers.” John looked inside and saw race cars, ponies, even Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant. He even saw Willie Mays.” John laughed. The angel laughed too. “That’s your prayer John,” he said. “Yep” said John, “I prayed every night when I was a kid that I would be Willie Mays. I guess God didn’t hear that one did He?”

“Don’t be silly John,” said the angel. “You coached baseball for your church league didn’t you? You were a great influence on a lot of kids. You showed them God’s love in many ways. God often answers our prayers differently than what we expect.”

There was a hallway marked, “Illness.” The doorways had names of specific types of cancers and some illnesses that John hadn’t seen before. The angel told him these were diseases that haven’t been discovered on earth yet. These rooms were pretty full of prayers.

They walked down another hall and found some rooms that were nearly empty. One room was marked “Confession of sin.” John was confused. “No one seems to confess their sins anymore.” said the angel.” How are people going to see God’s forgiveness in their lives if they don’t confess their sins?” There were other nearly empty rooms with names like “Praising God,” and “Thanksgiving.”

“What about that room? said John. That one is almost empty”.

“That one is “Prayer for Someone’s Salvation.” People on earth pray mostly for people’s earthly illnesses and world problems. They forget the biggest problem in the world, sin.”

“Wow,” said John, someone should go back and tell people to check their prayer life and
Get more balance.”

Somebody has!

You' re Being Audited!

2006-04-17T16:02:00.000-07:00

You’re Being Audited!
There are certain words and situations that fill your heart with fear. They include:

Principal’s office (if are 10 years old)
Root Canal (if you have teeth)
Tax Audit (if you are over 40 and still even have your teeth)

A few weeks ago we got that special letter from the IRS telling us we are being audited for 2004. 2004! I can’t remember what I had for breakfast last week much less than where I drove two years ago. People tell me that is why you are supposed to keep records and receipts.

I do keep receipts. I’ll have you know that I have a very sophisticated filing system for receipts. It’s called pants pockets. If I don’t remember to take them out on laundry day, then I give new meaning to the term, money laundering. Thus, God in His infinite wisdom, paired me with a wonderful wife with the spiritual gift of record keeping. So we pulled into the Federal Building in downtown Portland last Wednesday with a huge box of receipts, record books, and a whole heap of prayer.

The tax office was not at all like I pictured in my mind. It didn’t look or smell like a dungeon. There were no torture racks, bed of nails or thumb screws. The tax auditor was not green and he didn’t even have fangs.

I even felt a bit sorry for the guy. Tax auditors and preachers have something in common. We are a part of those fun professions that tend to kill conversations (or start heated ones) at parties. If you see a group of people laughing or talking in a group, just tell them you are a funeral director, tax auditor or a preacher. You will be amazed at what it does to conversation.

I also felt sorry for the auditor trying to explain the federal income tax code to me, which is kind of like explaining algebra to a cocker spaniel—only my tail was not wagging.

So as Joni and I sat for four fun filled hours while he ransacked our returns, my mind turned to scripture. The passages in the Bible about weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth seemed to make more sense to me. But in the midst of it all, I remembered Bible verses that come in very handy in situations like this.

Isaiah 41:10--“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Psalm 9:9--“The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.”
Philippians 4: 13--“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

Joni and I prayed before we went in and were praying constantly through the ordeal. We had lots of friends and family praying for us. We have good financial people in our church who do a great job. Bob, and Dorys and Greg are awesome. Our accountant, Dick, is going to appeal the ruling, and he is good to have in our corner. We have a church family that loves us and held us up in prayer.

When we face those trials of life, we have the assurance of God’s love through the scriptures, the promise of deliverance through the power of prayer, and comfort from our Christian brothers and sisters.

Even in the principles office!

Piercings

2006-04-11T14:27:00.000-07:00

Piercings

Did you see that guy with the earring? How about that girl with her nose pierced? It seems like more and more people these days are wearing piercings.

I recall my earliest sighting of piercing. The bolts in Frankenstein’s neck or Fred Gwynne if you are a Munsters TV show fan.

Believe it or not, I’ve had piercings in my life. I ran a nail through my leg in the 4th grade. A dog tried to pierce my eyebrow with his incisors. Some belt buckles I own can do a piercing if I bend over. I’ve had my navel pierced long before it was in style—It was when belly met buckle.

But nothing I’ve done matches some of the piercings I’ve seen on some folks. I’ve seen piercings of the ears, eyebrows, bellybuttons, lips, and tongue. I admit I’ve not seen all the piercings there are. To be honest, I don’t WANT to see them all!

I’ve been told some people with piercings are making a statement with their piercings. It seems to me these statements might include:

“Look at me!”
“I’m an individual!”
“I have no taste buds in my tongue any more!”

Piercings are not original to this day and age. Did you know that Jesus Christ had piercings? He had four to be exact. The Savior of the world had a piercing in each hand (wrist to be exact), one through both feet, and one through his side. In John 19:34, we read, “one of the soldiers pierced Jesus' side with a spear, bringing a sudden flow of blood and water.” Actually earlier in the crucifixion, Jesus had a set of multiple piercings through his scalp thanks to a crown of thorns placed there by angry guards.

After the first Easter morning, Doubting Thomas asked to see Jesus’ piercings to prove that Jesus had indeed risen from the dead. Jesus gladly showed him his piercings (John 20:24-28). Jesus’ piercings were not making a fashion statement or a political statement. He was making a mission statement. Statements like:

“God loves us!
“God hates sin!
“We are sinners!
“We are saved through Christ’s piercings!”

Isaiah 53:5 “But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed.

The pierced Prince of Peace. The price for our sin was the piercing. Our pardon was purchased by His piercing.

Let’s try something. The next time we see someone with a piercing, instead of judging them let’s look at them with love, and view their piercings as a reminder that Jesus being pierced for you and for me. Let’s say a prayer of thanksgiving to God and say a word of encouragement to that other person.

Now please excuse me while I change belt buckles!

Stranger in A Strange land

2006-04-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

Stranger in A Strange land

Remember the old math equation. If A=B, and B=C, then A=C. What that adds up to for us guys is this.

A. We love our wives and daughters.

B. They love to go to weird places.

C. Men sometimes end up as strangers in a strange land.

Example #1 -- Baby Showers

I was at one of those about a year or so ago for Joni’s cousin. There was food, so that helped. I discovered that if you eat about a dozen finger sandwiches, it can make a meal. That can also get you banned from the sandwich table. The same applies to the cake table. My son and nephew were also at the shower. They were chicken and fled to the computer room. When the going gets tough, the tough play “Grand Theft Auto.”

So guys, what do they do at these baby showers? I’m with that great philosopher, Linus Van Pelt, of Peanuts and Charlie Brown. Linus, after observing the fuss made over a new baby said “If they ever took the word ‘cute’ out of the English language, we’d all perish.” The same applies to the words, “OOOH,” “AAAH,” and giggling in general. It was back to the sandwich table.

Example #2 -- Women’s Underwear Stores

I’m not talking about the underwear section of a department store. Most guys know that we can sneak over to the electronics section, and watch six different football games at the same time.

No, this is one of those obnoxious outlet stores. There were bras and panties as far as the eye can see. And that’s the problem. My eyes did not want to see this. You can’t even look at the displays. You can’t make eye contact with the people. The other women look at you like you’re a Peeping Bob, and the guys have the same “lamb to the slaughter” look that you have. You can’t even look up. There are life sized posters of girls in their unmentionables. So, you’re being led about the hand by your female guide (wife or daughter).

Worse yet is when your women are raptured into the dressing room and leave you stranded in Playtex Purgatory. This one store had a small place of refuge --a lingerie lifeboat, an underwear oasis. Some kind soul put up a small display area of men’s socks. So picture about 10 guys in a closet type display, pretending to be interested in men’s socks. We were indeed strangers in a strange land. We guys end up in weird places because of the women we love. Christ was that way, too.

John 3:16 reminds us that God loves us and sent Jesus to die for us. Jesus left the comforts of heaven to live in our weird, wild world with temptation at every corner (John 1:14, Heb 4:15).

We, too, are spiritual strangers in a strange land. Philippians 3:20 says, “But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.” As citizens of heaven, we are supposed to feel weird and strange in this world, because our home is in heaven. Our minds are with the Master, and our eyes are focused on eternity. We are not to get comfortable here, but to be anxious to go home to heaven.

For now, I’m hanging out at the sandwich table.