Preacher's Bread Bud

Someone sent me this joke this week. I share it with apologies to our Catholic friends. Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other Nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "This is for washing our hair." The cashier without blinking an eye reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
I know how the nun’s feel. To some people, a preacher buying beer at a grocery store is like Paris Hilton buying combat boots, or Tiger Woods picking up the book “Golf for Dummies.” It would raise some embarrassing questions.
The other day, Joni wanted to make beer bread. I’m no Betty Crocker, but it seems to me that if you want to make beer bread, you need to buy beer. Since we are a tee-totaling family, we needed to buy three cans of beer.
So, Joni and I started out on our Prohibition Process. Our mission, and we decided to accept it, was to buy beer without bumping into anyone we’d know. We were going to Wal-mart in Woodburn anyway, so we took off. We walk into the Woodburn Wally World and ran into Erica, Alexis, Logan and Nathanial Knight. And we kept bumping into them. We decided we didn’t want to explain to three small children in our small group why their preacher was buying a Bud Light. We did the rest of our shopping and plotted a new beer buying strategy.
As we headed back toward Molalla, we thought, “Hey about the Safeway in Woodburn?” Yes, we have church members who live in Woodburn, but percentages would be in our favor. As we pulled into the parking lot, we glanced in our rearview mirror. There was our former next door neighbor. He was obviously on Preacher Beer Buying Patrol. We lost him in the parking lot, and he took off for another strip mall.
So, humming the “Mission Impossible Theme song, we snuck into Safeway. It would be counterproductive to ask someone where the beer isle was, so we crept up and down each isle until we found it. We grabbed three cans from a six pack. Now I have to carry three cans of beer to the check out. I thought, “I’ll put them in my pockets,” but I figured if anything looked worse than a preacher buying beer at a grocery story, it would be a preacher appearing to shoplift beer from a grocery store!
We made it to the express lane. Everyone was a stranger. The plan was perfect until I looked into my wife’s beautiful blue eyes and then down to her blue shirt. She is wearing a “Serving for Jesus” T-Shirt! Wonderful! I was trying for Spiritual Stealth and my wife’s wardrobe was broadcasting our mission to the world.
So I tried to stand between the checker and Joni as we finished our transaction. The checker scanned the three cans of beer. The total was $17.45! This seemed high, even to a beer buying rookie. It turns out that they only sell them by the six-pack and the computer ran up that charge. In our quietest, softest voices, we asked. “Can we only buy three cans?” Before I could lunge over the counter and stop her, the checker grabbed a microphone and yelled,

“Management to register three. Management to register three!!! A lady in a Jesus T-Shirt wants to know if she can buy three cans of beer?” (Okay, she didn’t say that last part)
The manager comes and she and the checker enter into a long conference to see if the lady with the Jesus T-shirt and the blushing guy hiding behind the gum rack could buy only three cans of beer or do they have to buy the whole six pack? A crowd had gathered by this time. I wanted to trade in Joni’s Jesus shirt for one that read. “We’re only making beer bread!” Joni was trying to explain this to the checker and I was praying for the rapture to happen at that moment.
We carried the Coors Contraband to the car, got it home and the bread turned out very well. This experience raised several questions in my mind. Can a preacher buy beer for baking purposes? Should he pay someone else to buy it for him? Should he go door to door with a mug and borrow some from the neighbors? Should the church set up a Beer for Beer Bread Buying Committee?
The Apostle Paul doesn’t answer these pressing questions, but has good thought in Colossians 1:17. “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Everything I do, and say should give glory to God. Not only as a preacher, but as a Christian.
All I know is that the next time, we’re going to do Root Beer Bread!!