The Real Valentine

Gabriel, Cupid and Aphrodite were talking about love one day. Let’s listen in.

Gabriel: Hey, who are you two?
Cupid: Are you kidding? Everyone knows me, especially this time of year
Aphrodite: I am the goddess of beauty and love
Cupid: I hate to break this to you, but no one knows you outside of history class
Aphrodite: I am also known as Venus. There is a famous statue of me at the most prestigious museum in France
Gabriel: I’ve heard of that.
Cupid: Oh, yeah, did she mention the statue has no arms?
Aphrodite; This coming from a guy in a diaper and a bow and arrow
Cupid: Hey, this bow and arrow is the symbol of love.
Gabriel: Aren’t you two related or something?
Aphrodite: He was my son, but I don’t claim him.
Cupid: What are you doing here anyway Gabriel? You normally are around at Christmas time. You’re 10 month’s early buddy.
Gabriel: I’m here at the perfect time. As you can see, the world has a very distorted view of love.
Aphrodite: That’s why they need to study about me. I’m the symbol of love and desire.
Cupid: So, are you two on greeting cards? No. I have my own T.V. commercials. I am the most recognized symbol of love and desire there it. Everyone one knows that if I shoot someone with this arrow, people are filled with lust and desire.
Aphrodite: And who’s your mother? Who gave you all of this? It’s wasn’t NBC!
Gabriel: For being symbols of love, you two fight a lot. Besides you are symbols of desire and lust. That’s not a symbol of love. Let’s go to earth and I’ll show you a symbol of love
Cupid: Okay, I see it. We are in first century Jerusalem. So where is the manger, and the other Christmas stuff?
Aphrodite: What are those three things on that hill?
Gabriel: We are 33 years later than the manger. That over there, is a cross
Aphrodite: Okay that is gross. Those guys are hanging there, and it’s pretty gory
Cupid: That is a symbol for love?
Gabriel: You two focus on love as desire and lust. True love, is sacrifice.
Cupid: Okay, that isn’t going to work as a greeting card.
Aphrodite: Or a valentine’s ad on T.V.
Gabriel: How is this for a caption; “For so loved the world that He gave his only son, that whoever believes in him, will not perish but have every lasting life.
Cupid: We can’t promise that.
Aphrodite: Not even close.
Gabriel: You two can go and peddle flowers, candy, cards and fake hearts. Jesus promises true love and everlasting life
Cupid: That would make an interesting greeting card!

The University of Stupid

"Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to the Commencement Exercise of the University of Stupid graduating class of 2011. Our institute is dedicated to prepare our students to excel in the following areas--being dense in their interpersonal relationships, being thick headed in their interaction with co-workers, friends, and especially fellow church members. Once we move from interpersonal relationships, we work on their relationship with God. In all areas of study, our proud graduates have worked hard to be obstinate, thick headed and stubborn. They work hard to have the proud title of 'Fool.'

I can recall clearly when our freshmen first entered four years ago. They were quiet as they entered our halls. They didn’t say much, but were just getting started on their journey to total stupidity. Their class motto is found in Proverbs 17:28. 'Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent and discerning and if he holds his tongue.'

After only one year with us at the University of Stupid, they learned a lot and they grew to understand Proverbs 12:15, 'The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.' Our sophomores will not listen to any advice. Their class motto is popular among the public, and some politicians--'My mind is made up, don’t confuse me with facts!'

Our faculty watched with pride as they moved on from keeping silent and being stubborn. They mastered the devil’s greatest tool, which is evil and hurtful speech. Proverbs 18:13 says, 'He who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame.' Proverbs 10:18 is, 'He who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool.'

Some of our more successful students at the University of Stupid even took summer school. They studied hard in areas of arguing. Proverbs 20:3says, 'It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.' Some took advanced courses in laziness like from Ecclesiastes 4:5, 'The fool folds his hands and ruins himself.'

Ecclesiastes 10:12-13 sums up the course of study in being fools at the University of Stupid. 'Words from a wise man’s mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips. At the beginning his words are folly, at the end they are wicked madness and the fool multiplies words.'

Each senior at the University of Stupid then has to pass the senior project. He or she has moved from silence to being stubborn and self centered, and then using their speech and actions to hurt others and the cause of Christ. The senior project at the University of Stupid is summed up in this passage from Psalms 15:1, 'The fool says in his heart, 'there is no God.'

At this point, the student is a graduate from the University of Stupid. The University of Stupid (or U.S.) has turned their back on God, and His message of love, grace, and showing us how to live peacefully in this world."

Where do YOU study?

The "Perfect" Church

Usher: “Hi, welcome to the Perfect Church. Our ushers will help you find a seat.”
Visitor #1: “That’s okay, I can seat myself.”
Usher: “Oh, we insist. Our seating gets pretty full. Plus, since most of our membership is people from other churches, we organize our seats into groups based on what church people are from. That way, you can sit with people you are comfortable with.”
Visitor #1: “Okay, that sounds weird, but whatever you say.”
Usher: “Now, what church have you been attending?”
Visitor #1: “I’ve been going to “The Don’tlikethepastorssermon Christian Fellowship.”
Usher: “Very good, the other usher will lead you to your seat. Here is your bulletin. Hi folks, where are you from?”
Visitor #2: ”We’ve been attending “Nothingformykids” Chapel.
Usher: “Over there to your left. Good morning Ma’am, where are you from?”
Visitor #3: “We’ve been attending “I’mnotbeingfed Church.”
Usher: “Oh that is our largest section. Just over to the right.”
Visitor #1 (Calling Usher to his seat): “Could I ask a few questions?”
Usher: “Of course sir. How can I help you?”
Visitor #1: “These padded recliners are comfortable. What are these headsets for?”
Usher: “See that dial next to your seat? We have over 760 channels of Christian music. You simply pick the songs you want to sing, select the style in which you want to sing them, and worship away.”
Visitor #1: “What is that switch?”
Usher: “These are our preaching styles. We have Charles Stanley, Billy Graham and Joel Olsteen just to name a few. We have thousands of popular preachers, preaching their best messages, on any topic you wish.”
Visitor #2 (walks up): “Hi, I notice in your bulletin that you don’t have an offering time.”
Usher: “Oh, no, sir. We don’t want your money.”
Visitor #2: “I also don’t see any volunteer lists.”
Usher: “That’s why we are the perfect church for a lot of people. We don’t want you to do anything. It all exists for you, sir. We don’t make any demands of you. You don’t have to change your lifestyle or beliefs in any way.”
Visitor #3: “I was going to ask about that. Do you have a statement on what your church believes?”
Usher: “I don’t really understand your question.”
Visitor #2: “So, what translation do you use?”
Usher: “Here.” (Hands him a book.)
Visitor #2: (Opens it) “But the pages are blank!”
Usher: “Use the enclosed pen or keyboard. You can write down what you believe and live by that.”
Visitor #1: “Are you saying the perfect church is me?”
Usher: “A lot of people believe that.”
Visitor #3: “Do you folks have any central message?"
Usher: “We do, but it’s a something many people don’t know. Just look up.”
Visitor 2: “Look up?”
Usher: “Sure, most people miss the main message of the church because they are too focused on themselves and forget to look up.”
(All three visitors look up)
Visitor #1: “I see it. It says, ‘On this rock, (Christ) I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.’ (Matthew 16:18) What does that mean?”
Usher: (whispers) “It means that instead of looking for the perfect church, stay at the one you’re at and make it better. But that’s why our attendance is so huge. Most people don’t get that.”
Visitor #2: “I think I will head back to my old church. It’s not perfect, but it’s doing a pretty good job.”
Usher: (chuckles) “I hope we DON'T see you back. (Turns to new visitor) Welcome to the perfect church.”
Visitor #4: “Can you point me to the hot tubs and massage tables?”
Usher: “Right this way.”

Where is YOUR perfect church?

Seven Deadly Words

You’ve heard of the seven deadly words haven’t you? You hear them in churches, service clubs, and other organizations. They are uttered when a new idea is suggested, and a decision has to be made. These words are guaranteed to kill new ways of doing things. Here they are (drum roll)

“We have ALWAYS done it that way!”

“We have NEVER done it that way!”

“We tried that once. It didn’t work!”


We also hear some seven deadly words in our day to day life.

Kids (yelling out from the bathroom)
“Mommy do cats know how to swim?”

College Student:
“Is that paper due today or tomorrow?”

Wives (to husband)
“Does this dress make me look fat?”

Husbands (with tools in hand)
“Don’t need help, I can do this.”


Here are some “seven deadly words” that can wound or kill a relationship.
You have to fill in some words in each statement


“I have never forgiven ______ for ________.”

“I will never forgive ____­­­___ for ________.”

“I have never liked ________ because _____”

Here are the seven deadliest words of all,

“I don’t need God, I am just fine.”

Let’s try some other “seven words” that are more healing and life giving.



“Tell me how I can help you.”

“How can I pray for you today?”

“Can you please forgive me for ___________?”

And the best words of all…

We can have eternal life through Jesus!

Who do YOU root for?

The scene is heaven: Three angels, Hark, Herald, and California Angel are looking at earth as people are getting ready for the Oregon Duck’s football game against the Auburn Tigers. Let’s listen in...

Hark: “What is all that ruckus on earth?”
Herald: “It’s the Ducks”
Hark: “What about them?”
Herald: “The Duck’s and the Tigers.”
Hark: “Did the tigers eat the ducks?
Herald: “No.”
Hark: “The duck ate the tiger?”
California: “It’s football.”
Herald: “Aren’t you into Baseball”
California: “Yep, they named a team after me in California.”
Hark: “So are we Duck fans or Tiger fans?”
Herald: “We can’t take sides, you know that.”
Hark: “How come?”
Herald: “Because God created both ducks and tigers.”
California: “Okay, forget college football. Let’s talk about the pros. Are we Seahawk fans?”
Hark: “That win was somewhat of a miracle”
Herald: “No, we can’t take sides on that either”
California: “That’s right. God created Seahawks and we know He gives humans the opportunity to be saints.”
Hark: “So what do we root for?”
California: “The preacher’s wife is rooting for Feb 7.”
Hark: “What is happening Feb 7th. It’s the day AFTER the super Bowl.”
Herald: “She won’t have to watch football and the preacher will quit using football, in illustrations and articles.”
California: (in a sad voice) “Great. It’s back to granddaughter stories.”
Hark: “Let’s go back to football. I’m confused. Can we root for teams?”
California: “Sure. It’s harmless fun, as long as we don’t worship them.”
Hark: “Why can’t humans worship a team? If you are at a game, or even see it on TV, people sing, yell, and put their hands in the air. I’ve seen them do that at church too. What’s the difference?”
California: “Remember the second commandment?”
Hark: “The one about not making idols? Oh yeah, Exodus 20:4 says we are not to worship anything one but God.”
California: “Very good. Remember also in Romans 12:1, it says that humans are to present their bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God, and that is their spiritual service of worship.”
Hark: “I saw a guy at a Duck game. He painted his body yellow, had a green spiked Mohawk haircut, and was standing outside in 20 degree weather, cheering his team on. It looked like he was offering his body.”
Herald: “You make a good point. Humans need to remember that they need to be more excited about Jesus than they are about any sports team.”
California: “I happen to know that guy is a solid Christian and a deacon in his church.”
Hark: “He should wear that outfit to church!”
Herald: “Quiet you two. The game is about to start.”

Who are YOU rooting for?

The Excercise Class

Let me describe my current exercise program. I sit in my easy chair and eat junk food for six months. Then I exercise vigorously for an hour, collapse, and then crawl back to the easy chair. Trust me, doesn’t work well. I needed something different.

We have a new exercise class in our church. Charlee Rutheford teaches it and does a great job. She has a super relationship with God, she loves us, and she really knows her stuff. So Tuesday found me in our church fellowship hall with 6 ladies. I’m the only guy in the class. I figure if you are going to do public humiliation, do it on a grand scale. I’ve never been in an exercise class. I was hoping they would take it easy with me. My theory goes like this—if you kill the preacher, it’s some sort of sin, ranking between littering and jaywalking.

Speaking of walking, we started walking in place, then moving our arms, then other exercises. Sweat was pouring down my face, my muscles were burning, and I was breathing heavily. Total exhaustion was setting in. Our hour class must be about over. I glanced at my watch—it had been a minute and a half.

I was given a chair. Silly me thought I was going to sit on it. Nope, its purpose is to help me regain my balance while doing hip and leg workouts. Picture a beached whale on a pogo stick. Not a pretty sight. I did get to lie down on a mat. The last time I laid on a mat, I was in kindergarten and we got a snack afterwards. Things change in 47 years. I got down on the mat okay. At my age and stage, when I get on the floor, I look around for other things to do, so I didn’t make the trip for nothing. We did some exercises on the floor, and then Charlee asked the impossible. She wanted me to get up! I made a mental note for the next elders meeting to discuss buying a wench with a pulley, but I don’t think that will work.

So Joni and I get home, I shower and eat breakfast and guess what? I feel great. My back pain was gone, and I had extra energy. This was truly amazing.

I’m guessing that the apostle Paul led an exercise class at the church in Corinth. In I Corinthians 9:25-27, we read, “Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.”

Our Christian life is like exercise. The first time we read the Bible, it is difficult. After we read it for a while, it becomes easier. Sharing our faith for the first time can be tough. The more we do it the easier it gets. The more we exercise our faith, the stronger our relationship with Christ will be.
I just need to get out of the easy chair!

Cashier Angel

Cashier Angel

Cashiers are my heroes. They really are amazing people. I know this because I tried to be one last week.
I was at Safeway on a Hubby Home Mission. You know; Joni called and said, “Honey, on your way home could you pick up…? In my case, it was two packages of cream cheese.

I got to Safeway, accomplished the mission and headed to the check stands. I saw some of those “do-it-yourself” check- out stands, and thought they looked kind of fun. It must be a guy thing. I’m drawn to computer screens. This thing was like a consumer video game without a joy stick.

In the distance I noticed Mandi (that’s what her name tag said.) Actually I know Mandi. She is Mac Sumner’s daughter. Her job that day was to oversee the self serve check out machines. We smiled at each other, and then I faced my mechanical opponent. The reason I say this that is I have a long and unhappy history with any mechanical devise. I fully believe the self check out machines had just held a meeting before I arrived. The meeting went like this

“Hey, here comes that preacher again”
“I hope he comes to me, I can’t wait to mess with his mind.”

Mechanical devises are always out to get me. This auto checkout was no exception. I innocently pushed the start button. It asks me if I want my instructions in English or Spanish. (English is a good choice) It then asks me to scan the cream cheese. I take the first one and hunt the box over for the UPS symbol, (which is not easy to find.) I locate it and scan the cream cheese. Then the machine attacks.

It tells me to bag my items. I still have a 2nd package of cream cheese to scan! It would be unpreacher like pay for one cream cheese and leave the store with another one. I’m trying to tell the machine that, but we were having a failure to communicate.

So I do what I always do when faced with a mechanical challenge; I get a dazed stupid look on my face that screams to the world, “The Dummy is trouble. HELP!!” I glanced over to see if Mandi could help. I couldn’t find her.

I didn’t think to look at my elbow.

She was right beside me, still smiling. She pushed a couple of buttons and the video villain fell into instant submission. Mand scanned my second cream cheese, put both of them in a bag, and showed me how to pay. Feeling overwhelmed with gratitude I felt I should say something, so I said
“I guess you get a lot of blank stares from people” She chuckled and said
“Part of the job.” She smiled and vanished, off to deal with another blank stare.

As I pondered the presence of Mandi, I also pondered the presence of God. God in one sense is in heaven watching over us. He notices everything. Sparrows falling out of trees, and the number of follicles on our foreheads do not escape his notice. (Matthew 10:29-31) And before we can even whisper a panicked prayer, God is by our side, helping, comforting, and pushing the right buttons to help us through a difficult time.

I’m grateful Mandi was there to help me. I’m even more grateful that God is with me before I need Him, and helps me through any situation.

Even with cream cheese.