Boring Movie Night!

It was such a promising night at the Laver Household. All the kids were gone for the weekend. Joni and I went to a favorite local video store and we each chose a movie. Joni‘s movie was a classic chick flick. Mine was more action/adventure. We watched her movie on Friday night and mine on Saturday evening.
Her movie started with a sad premise. The heroine’s finance died, and she moves into his house with his three roommates. Then an ex girlfriend shows up with a kid. The finance’s mom was doing something with a wedding ring. There is a fly fishing subplot, but these are all city people. Are you confused so far? So were we! We kept wondering, “How long is this stupid movie going to go on?”
But now I had bragging rights. My movie would be superior. It was a manly movie, not some chick flick. This one was about the CIA. It had two well know actors in it. One even won an Oscar for his role. But, half way through the movie, neither Joni or I had the faintest idea what was going on. We finally turned it off, halfway through the movie (something I rarely do).
This usually doesn’t happen to me. I’m sort of a movie buff. I never rent a movie without doing research on it. I look at websites such as screenit.com, and others that help explain the plot, characters, etc. I also talk to friends, read reviews, etc so I know what I’m watching. It prevents a Boring Movie Night.
Unfortunately, many people read the Bible like Boring Movie Night. People open the Bible and start reading without knowing the story, the plot or the main characters. They eventually shut the Bible and say “wow, that was boring.”
Do some research! Websites such as crosswalk.com, biblestudy.org, and bible.org are helpful in getting background on Bible books, Bible stories and Bible themes. A low tech approach would be looking at your church library, (or your pastors library) for books that will help you get more out of your Bible study. Call your small group leader or pastoral staff. We stand ready to help you. Get a hold of a study Bible and read the study notes.
God uses the longest chapter in the Bible, Psalm 119, to talk totally about the benefits of the Bible. Verse 11 says “Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I might not sin against you.” Verse 50 says “This is my comfort in my affliction, that your word has revived me.”
The Bible is not meant to be a boring movie. It is meant to be a thrill ride and a rollercoaster cinematic adventure, that you wish would go on forever. Do your homework, pray, start to read or listen to the scripture and get ready for the time of your life.
As for movies, next time I’ll try a comedy.

Stop Light Stare Down

Three people were glaring at me again. I hate it when that happens. I was at the four way stop in the center of town in Molalla. As usual, I was daydreaming, not paying attention, and so we play the guessing game. Whose turn it is to go?
Let me make one thing clear. I actually enjoy traffic lights. Stop lights are like mini rest areas without the bathrooms. When a light is red, I get about 34 seconds to relax from the frustrations of driving and do stuff. I have plenty of time to adjust the radio, take a bite of my cheeseburger, or drink a sip of coffee. I can check my cell phone, or start working on my sermon. Actually at a regular stop light, I can do all the things I’m NOT supposed to do while driving. I can do them with a clear conscience.
But a four-way stop is a different story. They require me to actually pay attention. But I’ve found that even alert drivers get traffic amnesia. I just can’t remember the right of way laws. Thus, most of us revert back to those great lessons mom taught us.
1. Take turns, so the first car there is the first one to go.
2. Be nice and let others go first.

If that doesn’t work, we usually resort to hand signals or facials expressions, both of which are hard to read when you are 20 feet away and staring through a windshield. I’ve noticed a common hand signal that most people use. If someone has their hand out and their wrist and fingers are waving toward them, it means,

“Okay, bonehead, go on.” or (the more polite, Christian version)
“I’m in a good mood go ahead.”
This works well unless you are doing the same signal to them. You end up waving to each other and no one is moving.

At that point, I think it would be much simpler each of us four drivers would put our cars in park, get out, walk to the middle of the intersection, and have a friendly meeting. We might come to the following decision,,,

The guy in the semi truck is bigger than all of us, so he can go first.
The lady in the blue bronco has cranky kids in the back so she can go second.
The guy in the green P.T. Cruiser has had a long day and needs get home. He goes third.
The preacher hasn’t been paying attention so he gets to go last, and signs a written contact pay closer attention to the intersection.

Alas, we usually just sit in our cars and try to read each other’s minds.

In the Bible, I doubt the apostle Peter had to deal with four way chariot stops, but he did warn us to be alert about something far more dangerous than other drivers 1 Peter 4:8 says to “be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to desire.”

Fortunately, at four ways stops, most people are more alert than I am. They watch the other drivers and work in automotive unity. As Christians, we should take a lesson from four ways stops. Be alert, watchful, and careful. Satan wants to do more harm to us than simple traffic issues.

So, if you see me at a four way stop, be nice to me, I’ll be the one daydreaming…

Preacher's Bread Bud

Someone sent me this joke this week. I share it with apologies to our Catholic friends. Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other Nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "This is for washing our hair." The cashier without blinking an eye reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
I know how the nun’s feel. To some people, a preacher buying beer at a grocery store is like Paris Hilton buying combat boots, or Tiger Woods picking up the book “Golf for Dummies.” It would raise some embarrassing questions.
The other day, Joni wanted to make beer bread. I’m no Betty Crocker, but it seems to me that if you want to make beer bread, you need to buy beer. Since we are a tee-totaling family, we needed to buy three cans of beer.
So, Joni and I started out on our Prohibition Process. Our mission, and we decided to accept it, was to buy beer without bumping into anyone we’d know. We were going to Wal-mart in Woodburn anyway, so we took off. We walk into the Woodburn Wally World and ran into Erica, Alexis, Logan and Nathanial Knight. And we kept bumping into them. We decided we didn’t want to explain to three small children in our small group why their preacher was buying a Bud Light. We did the rest of our shopping and plotted a new beer buying strategy.
As we headed back toward Molalla, we thought, “Hey about the Safeway in Woodburn?” Yes, we have church members who live in Woodburn, but percentages would be in our favor. As we pulled into the parking lot, we glanced in our rearview mirror. There was our former next door neighbor. He was obviously on Preacher Beer Buying Patrol. We lost him in the parking lot, and he took off for another strip mall.
So, humming the “Mission Impossible Theme song, we snuck into Safeway. It would be counterproductive to ask someone where the beer isle was, so we crept up and down each isle until we found it. We grabbed three cans from a six pack. Now I have to carry three cans of beer to the check out. I thought, “I’ll put them in my pockets,” but I figured if anything looked worse than a preacher buying beer at a grocery story, it would be a preacher appearing to shoplift beer from a grocery store!
We made it to the express lane. Everyone was a stranger. The plan was perfect until I looked into my wife’s beautiful blue eyes and then down to her blue shirt. She is wearing a “Serving for Jesus” T-Shirt! Wonderful! I was trying for Spiritual Stealth and my wife’s wardrobe was broadcasting our mission to the world.
So I tried to stand between the checker and Joni as we finished our transaction. The checker scanned the three cans of beer. The total was $17.45! This seemed high, even to a beer buying rookie. It turns out that they only sell them by the six-pack and the computer ran up that charge. In our quietest, softest voices, we asked. “Can we only buy three cans?” Before I could lunge over the counter and stop her, the checker grabbed a microphone and yelled,

“Management to register three. Management to register three!!! A lady in a Jesus T-Shirt wants to know if she can buy three cans of beer?” (Okay, she didn’t say that last part)
The manager comes and she and the checker enter into a long conference to see if the lady with the Jesus T-shirt and the blushing guy hiding behind the gum rack could buy only three cans of beer or do they have to buy the whole six pack? A crowd had gathered by this time. I wanted to trade in Joni’s Jesus shirt for one that read. “We’re only making beer bread!” Joni was trying to explain this to the checker and I was praying for the rapture to happen at that moment.
We carried the Coors Contraband to the car, got it home and the bread turned out very well. This experience raised several questions in my mind. Can a preacher buy beer for baking purposes? Should he pay someone else to buy it for him? Should he go door to door with a mug and borrow some from the neighbors? Should the church set up a Beer for Beer Bread Buying Committee?
The Apostle Paul doesn’t answer these pressing questions, but has good thought in Colossians 1:17. “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Everything I do, and say should give glory to God. Not only as a preacher, but as a Christian.
All I know is that the next time, we’re going to do Root Beer Bread!!