A Drive By Shooting

Actually, it was more of a walk by than a drive by. It was also more of a squirting than a shooting. But I was hit and there was red stuff.

Joni, Angie and I were minding our own business at the grocery section of Wal-Mart the other day. I was trying to head my family to the important places, like the cookie and coffee isle.

All of a sudden, I hear a little kid’s voice from behind me and around my ankles. The voice was saying those two words adults everywhere dread.

“Uh, oh!”

Nothing good ever happens when you hear those words. Before I could turn around, something red splashed near my feet.

My first thought came from seeing too many CSI shows. Blood spatter! Before I could get a DNA sample, I heard the little boy’s mother behind me. “It’s okay, honey, it’s only ketchup.”

Footsteps behind me told the story. The little guy had spilled a ketchup bottle on the floor. Mom didn’t notice any real damage, so they took off. About that time I felt something wet on my backside. It was ketchup! It was all over the back of my jeans. I had a hiney full of Heinz.

I’m sure his mother didn’t know I had been hit. Or maybe she realized it, but didn’t know how to approach me. “I’m sorry sir; I think my son put ketchup on your buns.” She surely didn’t know.

As I headed off to the bathroom, I had a fleeting thought about trying to find the ketchup culprit. I could have the security people stop any kid under 10 and check for ketchup under their fingernails. Then a Bible verse hit me—One of my favorite prayers of Jesus.

Luke 23:34, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

Jesus prayed this for the solders who were crucifying him. If Jesus can pray that prayer for those guys, I can pray the same prayer after being ambushed by Ronald McDonald.

I love this prayer. I pray it for people who shut off their brains and then leave their mouths running. It’s great for folks who say things that hurt my feelings or irritate me. It’s a fantastic prayer for other drivers who forget to bring their Seeing Eye Dog with them. I’ve prayed this prayer for people when I have one nerve left and someone is getting on it.

I’ll likely never know the identity of my condiment assailant, but I know how to pray for people like him.

I think it would work for mustard, too…. .

Church Winter Olympics

Remember this year’s Winter Olympics? For 16 days or so, our TV screens were red with ice, snow and, well, more ice and snow. Here are some fun, interesting and often challenging Winter Olympic events that you will find in most local churches.

Short Track: Sunday School Kids running through the halls and then bump into the teacher.

Compulsory Dance: The same kids dodging pews and little old ladies to get to the cookies after church.

Half Pike: The kids who can crawl under the pews to get to the cookies.

Curling: What people do while they snooze during a sermon

Skeleton: What the body of Christ looks like when people skip church.

Four Man Bobsaid; Guys who stand around after church talking about the sermon.

Speed skating: What we do around a topic of conversation when we have gossiped a bit to much about the person we are talking with.

Ski Jump: Some of the conclusions we draw as a result of that gossip

Downhill: Where people’s lives have to go before they think to pray

Luge: Rhymes with the amount of blessings you get when you give to God.

Cross Country: Where some of our missionaries go, like Dave and Cynde Norberg and family who return from Trinidad and are going with our Mexico Team this summer.

Gold Medal: What we get in heaven when we are faithful to our Lord here on earth.

Prayer Central

Heaven was more beautiful than John could imagine. As he wandered around the streets of gold, he came to this huge, modern looking complex. John saw an angel, bent over a computer-like devise, but it far more advanced than John had ever seen. He cleared his throat and greeted the angel.

“Hi,” said John.

“Hi, John. Welcome to Prayer Central.”

“What’s Prayer Central?”

“When you were don earth, did you ever wonder how God heard all those prayers? Well, this is how.” The angel was happy to answer John’s many questions.

The scene was unbelievable. The computer desks formed a huge circle. At each desk, an angel sat. The angel would grab a piece of paper looking substance from a printer, jump up, run down a hallway and turn into a doorway, which was marked by a sign. There were hundreds of hallways, forming spokes that came off a hub.

“How does this work?” John asked.

“It’s really quite simple,” said the angel. “The prayers come pouring in, thousands per second. The angels take them and put each on it categories in those doorways, down those halls.”

“Can I see the doorways?”

“Of course! You might even find some of your prayers. Let’s take a look.” They walked down a hallway. There were hundreds of doorways on either side of the hall. The angel stopped at one. The room was almost overflowing with glowing papers.

“This is our most popular, the Bed Time and Dinner Time Recited Prayers.” John looked in the doorway and saw some words flashing. “Oh, I recognize that one. Now I lay me down to sleep…,”said John. “That’s our most popular one,” said the angel. “Here’s another one that we get lots of, “God is great, God is good, now we thank Him for our food.” On the other side of the room, John saw stacks and stacks of the Lord’s Prayer.

As they continued down the hall, they saw another doorway marked, “Kid’s Prayers.” John looked inside and saw race cars, ponies, even Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant. He even saw Willie Mays.” John laughed. The angel laughed too. “That’s your prayer John,” he said. “Yep” said John, “I prayed every night when I was a kid that I would be Willie Mays. I guess God didn’t hear that one did He?”

“Don’t be silly John,” said the angel. “You coached baseball for your church league didn’t you? You were a great influence on a lot of kids. You showed them God’s love in many ways. God often answers our prayers differently than what we expect.”

There was a hallway marked, “Illness.” The doorways had names of specific types of cancers and some illnesses that John hadn’t seen before. The angel told him these were diseases that haven’t been discovered on earth yet. These rooms were pretty full of prayers.

They walked down another hall and found some rooms that were nearly empty. One room was marked “Confession of sin.” John was confused. “No one seems to confess their sins anymore.” said the angel.” How are people going to see God’s forgiveness in their lives if they don’t confess their sins?” There were other nearly empty rooms with names like “Praising God,” and “Thanksgiving.”

“What about that room? said John. That one is almost empty”.

“That one is “Prayer for Someone’s Salvation.” People on earth pray mostly for people’s earthly illnesses and world problems. They forget the biggest problem in the world, sin.”

“Wow,” said John, someone should go back and tell people to check their prayer life and
Get more balance.”

Somebody has!

You' re Being Audited!

You’re Being Audited!
There are certain words and situations that fill your heart with fear. They include:

Principal’s office (if are 10 years old)
Root Canal (if you have teeth)
Tax Audit (if you are over 40 and still even have your teeth)

A few weeks ago we got that special letter from the IRS telling us we are being audited for 2004. 2004! I can’t remember what I had for breakfast last week much less than where I drove two years ago. People tell me that is why you are supposed to keep records and receipts.

I do keep receipts. I’ll have you know that I have a very sophisticated filing system for receipts. It’s called pants pockets. If I don’t remember to take them out on laundry day, then I give new meaning to the term, money laundering. Thus, God in His infinite wisdom, paired me with a wonderful wife with the spiritual gift of record keeping. So we pulled into the Federal Building in downtown Portland last Wednesday with a huge box of receipts, record books, and a whole heap of prayer.

The tax office was not at all like I pictured in my mind. It didn’t look or smell like a dungeon. There were no torture racks, bed of nails or thumb screws. The tax auditor was not green and he didn’t even have fangs.

I even felt a bit sorry for the guy. Tax auditors and preachers have something in common. We are a part of those fun professions that tend to kill conversations (or start heated ones) at parties. If you see a group of people laughing or talking in a group, just tell them you are a funeral director, tax auditor or a preacher. You will be amazed at what it does to conversation.

I also felt sorry for the auditor trying to explain the federal income tax code to me, which is kind of like explaining algebra to a cocker spaniel—only my tail was not wagging.

So as Joni and I sat for four fun filled hours while he ransacked our returns, my mind turned to scripture. The passages in the Bible about weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth seemed to make more sense to me. But in the midst of it all, I remembered Bible verses that come in very handy in situations like this.

Isaiah 41:10--“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Psalm 9:9--“The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.”
Philippians 4: 13--“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

Joni and I prayed before we went in and were praying constantly through the ordeal. We had lots of friends and family praying for us. We have good financial people in our church who do a great job. Bob, and Dorys and Greg are awesome. Our accountant, Dick, is going to appeal the ruling, and he is good to have in our corner. We have a church family that loves us and held us up in prayer.

When we face those trials of life, we have the assurance of God’s love through the scriptures, the promise of deliverance through the power of prayer, and comfort from our Christian brothers and sisters.

Even in the principles office!

Piercings

Piercings

Did you see that guy with the earring? How about that girl with her nose pierced? It seems like more and more people these days are wearing piercings.

I recall my earliest sighting of piercing. The bolts in Frankenstein’s neck or Fred Gwynne if you are a Munsters TV show fan.

Believe it or not, I’ve had piercings in my life. I ran a nail through my leg in the 4th grade. A dog tried to pierce my eyebrow with his incisors. Some belt buckles I own can do a piercing if I bend over. I’ve had my navel pierced long before it was in style—It was when belly met buckle.

But nothing I’ve done matches some of the piercings I’ve seen on some folks. I’ve seen piercings of the ears, eyebrows, bellybuttons, lips, and tongue. I admit I’ve not seen all the piercings there are. To be honest, I don’t WANT to see them all!

I’ve been told some people with piercings are making a statement with their piercings. It seems to me these statements might include:

“Look at me!”
“I’m an individual!”
“I have no taste buds in my tongue any more!”

Piercings are not original to this day and age. Did you know that Jesus Christ had piercings? He had four to be exact. The Savior of the world had a piercing in each hand (wrist to be exact), one through both feet, and one through his side. In John 19:34, we read, “one of the soldiers pierced Jesus' side with a spear, bringing a sudden flow of blood and water.” Actually earlier in the crucifixion, Jesus had a set of multiple piercings through his scalp thanks to a crown of thorns placed there by angry guards.

After the first Easter morning, Doubting Thomas asked to see Jesus’ piercings to prove that Jesus had indeed risen from the dead. Jesus gladly showed him his piercings (John 20:24-28). Jesus’ piercings were not making a fashion statement or a political statement. He was making a mission statement. Statements like:

“God loves us!
“God hates sin!
“We are sinners!
“We are saved through Christ’s piercings!”

Isaiah 53:5 “But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed.

The pierced Prince of Peace. The price for our sin was the piercing. Our pardon was purchased by His piercing.

Let’s try something. The next time we see someone with a piercing, instead of judging them let’s look at them with love, and view their piercings as a reminder that Jesus being pierced for you and for me. Let’s say a prayer of thanksgiving to God and say a word of encouragement to that other person.

Now please excuse me while I change belt buckles!

Stranger in A Strange land

Stranger in A Strange land

Remember the old math equation. If A=B, and B=C, then A=C. What that adds up to for us guys is this.

A. We love our wives and daughters.

B. They love to go to weird places.

C. Men sometimes end up as strangers in a strange land.

Example #1 -- Baby Showers

I was at one of those about a year or so ago for Joni’s cousin. There was food, so that helped. I discovered that if you eat about a dozen finger sandwiches, it can make a meal. That can also get you banned from the sandwich table. The same applies to the cake table. My son and nephew were also at the shower. They were chicken and fled to the computer room. When the going gets tough, the tough play “Grand Theft Auto.”

So guys, what do they do at these baby showers? I’m with that great philosopher, Linus Van Pelt, of Peanuts and Charlie Brown. Linus, after observing the fuss made over a new baby said “If they ever took the word ‘cute’ out of the English language, we’d all perish.” The same applies to the words, “OOOH,” “AAAH,” and giggling in general. It was back to the sandwich table.

Example #2 -- Women’s Underwear Stores

I’m not talking about the underwear section of a department store. Most guys know that we can sneak over to the electronics section, and watch six different football games at the same time.

No, this is one of those obnoxious outlet stores. There were bras and panties as far as the eye can see. And that’s the problem. My eyes did not want to see this. You can’t even look at the displays. You can’t make eye contact with the people. The other women look at you like you’re a Peeping Bob, and the guys have the same “lamb to the slaughter” look that you have. You can’t even look up. There are life sized posters of girls in their unmentionables. So, you’re being led about the hand by your female guide (wife or daughter).

Worse yet is when your women are raptured into the dressing room and leave you stranded in Playtex Purgatory. This one store had a small place of refuge --a lingerie lifeboat, an underwear oasis. Some kind soul put up a small display area of men’s socks. So picture about 10 guys in a closet type display, pretending to be interested in men’s socks. We were indeed strangers in a strange land. We guys end up in weird places because of the women we love. Christ was that way, too.

John 3:16 reminds us that God loves us and sent Jesus to die for us. Jesus left the comforts of heaven to live in our weird, wild world with temptation at every corner (John 1:14, Heb 4:15).

We, too, are spiritual strangers in a strange land. Philippians 3:20 says, “But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.” As citizens of heaven, we are supposed to feel weird and strange in this world, because our home is in heaven. Our minds are with the Master, and our eyes are focused on eternity. We are not to get comfortable here, but to be anxious to go home to heaven.

For now, I’m hanging out at the sandwich table.