Preachers Office Genesis

A remodeling reading of Genesis 1-2, )
With sincere apologies to Bible translators everywhere.

In the beginning, was a preacher’s office. It was formless and void of neatness. There were books and files scattered everywhere and the spirit of disorganization was hovering over stacks of papers, old coffee cups, and journals.

And the remodeling committee said “Let there be a new office!” And they created a new office and placed the preacher in there. And many people saw it was not good for the preacher to be alone and left to his own organizational folly so they brought forth Vicki Reece, and placed her in the pastor’s office. Vicki said, “Let there be order and organization.” And it was evening and morning, the first day.

And Vicki said, “Let the books of your library be organized into areas of order. And let there be an expanse between Biblical studies, and Charlie Brown comic books. And the greater light can be on the gospel of John, and Alexander Campbell, and the lesser light be on Dave Barry and Dick Van Dyke. And it was evening and it was morning, the second day.

And Vicki said, “Let there be files made according to topic, and we will separate the to-do lists from 1993, from the box of post-it notes containing phone numbers and no names. Let the office teem with file drawers. And Vicki separated the unopened magazines, and papers that once covered the floor, the desk and walls, and she commanded that they be gathered into organized hanging files for easy future reference. And she commanded that the file folders to be fruitful and multiply. And there was order over the surface of the preacher’s desk, and beautiful new carpet immerged from the floor. And it was evening and morning, the third and fourth day. (This was a two day project).

And then Carol Lasky brought forth a microwave so that the preacher could heat up lunch leftovers, and Jodee Shadrick brought forth a really cool coffee pot and placed it in the preacher’s office. And Vicki said, “Let there be clean coffee cups!” Then Vicki banished into the church kitchen the old coffee cups from the preachers office that were bringing forth vegetation and mold and other manners of alien life. There was great and abundant rejoicing among the coffee drinking crew in the remodeling crew, (and even one youth minister) because they could actually find a clean coffee cup in which to pour their fresh coffee. And there was a table wherein people could truly sit and enjoy a cup of coffee in the preacher’s office. Vicki also brought forth a place mat up on which the clumsy clergyman could spill his coffee while pouring it. It was evening, and morning, the fifth day.

Then Vicki said, let us divide the preachers two guitars in the office from the worship music the preacher has collected over the years. And behold Vicki placed a garbage can in the office, and instructed the preacher as to its proper use. And the women of the church said to the preacher, “To all the pastoral duties you shall freely engage yourself, preaching, calling, counseling, and writing. But if you let this office revert back to its former state, on that day, you will surely die!”

And on the Sabbath, Vickie and other organizers rested from their labors. And the preacher preached the gospel unto the people, and he was indeed exceedingly grateful to all those who helped with the remodel and organizing him.

And it was very good!

Being On The Pill

Okay, not THAT pill. This one is much less invasive. Years ago, when I was a kid, someone told me I was so dumb, that I had to stay up all night to study for a blood test. Last week, I’ve discovered that to be true. A while back, I flunked a blood test for high cholesterol.
My doctor gave me this funky food chart. Under each food, there are three headings; Choose. Go Easy On. Avoid. Here’s where I messed up on the test. The foods marked, “avoid,” seemed to make up most of my diet. My four basic food groups are cheeseburgers, hotdogs, pizza and burritos. I also manage to baptize the above items in cheddar cheese, butter, or cream cheese. I didn’t ask, but I’m guessing that Twinkies, Ho Ho’s and Almond Roca are also on the “avoid” list.
So it seems my cholesterol is rising faster than the national debt. My cholesterol is supposed to under 200. According to this cool little chart, if it is 200-239, it’s a little too high. If it is over 240, it is high. Mine was in a category all its own. The heading was something like “funeral home.” I also had the triglycerides level of a hump back whale.
So my doctor put me on this little white pill. You’ve seen the commercials for it. They are funny commercials, so I was happy to go on the pill.
Last week, I went in for a blood test to see if the little white pill was working. The lab tech told me that they would call later in the day with the lab results. I had to run to Canby to visit Carol Finney. I stopped at McDonalds on the way out of town.
So while I was driving to Canby, Joni called me on my cell phone to give me the lab results. The conversation went like this:
“The lab called.”
“What did they say?”
“Your cholesterol is great. The doctor’s office said to keep doing what you are doing.”
At that moment, I was finishing a double cheeseburger!
I love this diet plan!
Okay, so that was likely NOT what my doctor had in mind. I’m guessing that a few of you might say that if I cut down on the cheese burgers, I might not need the cholesterol medication. Come to think of it, cheese burgers ranked right up there with shark wrestling on the list of unhealthy things to do. My problem is that it’s so much easier to take a little white pill than to do diet, exercise and other Richard Simmons activities to stay healthier.
Sometimes I find myself being a Cholesterol Christian. I think many of us want a little white pill that does all the work so we don’t have to. Cholesterol Christians want a little white pill so they don’t have do read their Bibles regularly, pray consistently, tithe generously, or serve sacrificially.
So, I’ll try to get to the gym more often, cut back on the cheeseburgers, and see if I can beat my seventh of a ton body back into shape. We Cholesterol Christian can also get our spiritual lives on track by getting into the Word, and letting God have control of our day timers and check books.
It’s a whole lot better than shark wrestling!

Lost in Section C

I’m excited about our new youth minister, Darin. During his first two weeks with us, we had many, enriching, bonding experiences. We’ve had lunch together. We’ve gone out for coffee. We’ve lost my car in a hospital parking lot. I might need to explain that last one.
We were visiting Carol Finney at Providence Hospital this past week. We had a good visit, even saw Dan Reece who was also visiting up there as well. (Our small group leaders are amazing!) Daren and I went back downstairs and were promptly sucked into the coffee shop on the first floor. (we’re both coffee brothers) Being now fully awake and alert, we found the parking loot. That’s about all we found
The parking structure at Providence has six levels from A-F. They all look alike. They made the silly assumption that preachers can remember which level they parked their car on. Restaurants now give you little coaster like things that blink, flash or sound an alarm when your table is ready. Why can’t they do this for parking garages? At least they could come up with more creative ways to identify their parking lots. This would help some of the brain dead clergy who park in them.
In Disney land, you can park in easy to remember sections. They have Disney character names like Pluto, Mickey Mouse and Donald Trump. Last year on vacation, our family parked in Pinocchio. I can remember that a year later. So why can’t I remember where my parked my car at a hospital?
I think it would be cool if they could decorate each parking level with a different theme. So Darin’s and my conversation would go like this.
“So, Darin did we park in Spiderman, or in the Unicorn lot?”
“Actually Bob, I think we parked in the NFL section. Your car is located between rows Seahawks and 49ners.
No, our actual conversation went like this.
“ I think we parked on level B.”
“Or was it C?”
“Do you think it was D? I was pretty sure it wasn’t E”.
You get the idea. I just needed a flashing neon sign that said
“Hey, moron! Your car is right here!” No such luck.
Keep in mind you are dealing with two guys that could get lost in an elevator. After we arrived at the hospital, we found the green elevators (they are color coded). We had to go to the second floor. I like elevators. It’s hard to get lost in those. Or so I thought. We climbed on with about a half dozen other people. I pushed the number two. And we waited. And we waited. The door didn’t close. Nothing happened. Someone joked “maybe we are overweight.” Darin got out to try pushing the button from the outside. The doors suddenly closed and we entered the Twilight Zone. We all got out on the second floor and I stood waiting for Darin to catch the next car. I waited, and waited.
Cells phones are a wonderful invention. I called Darin.
“Hey, where are you at?”
“I’m in the elevator, it’s not moving”
Knowing our luck that day, Darin would likely end up in Seattle or somewhere. Finally the elevator door opened (on the OTHER elevator) and Darin emerged, unharmed. We were off to visit Carol, and we were glad we weren’t on the psychiatric ward.
After losing my car and my youth minister all in one day, I’m so glad God is easy to find. Isaiah 55:6 says Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near.” Isaiah 41:10 reminds us, “ So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
We can’t lose or misplace God. He is always with us, ready to help, ready to assist, ready to be there. He is like the VISA slogan, “he’s everywhere you want to be.”
If you are lost, call on God. He will help you find your way.
Even in parking garages.

Corrina and the Cranberry Sauce

My plan almost worked. The plot was calculated with military-like precision. For some, it’s a Thanksgiving meal. For me, it was a battle field. The target; Cranberry Sauce. I’m a preacher for 364 days a year, but on Thanksgiving Day, I turn into a C.S. I. (Cranberry Sauce Inhaler.)
I’ve loved Cranberry Sauce for as long as I can remember. It was love at first bite. Thanksgiving Days are made for Cranberry Sauce. I usually could have all the Cranberry Sauce I wanted until Corrina joined our family. My sister-in-law loves Cranberry Sauce as much as I do! The battle has been raging every since.
This year would be the year I would get the Cranberry Sauce next to my spot at the table, so I could lunge for it after the prayer. On of the benefits of being the family preacher, is that I know in advance when the “Amen” is coming. I’m six-foot one, which means I have about a six foot wing span. If I sat at the middle of the table, I could use the old “boarding house reach” (one foot has to remain on the floor). That Cranberry Sauce would be easy to snatch. As I said, it was a fool proof plan, except my brother-in-law, Frank, got sick.
Frank, Penni, (Joni’s sister) and daughter Heather are living at my Mother-in-laws house. Frank normally sits at the head of the table, and that leaves me free to sit more toward the middle and be within easy Cranberry cruising range. But last Thursday, Frank was sick and downstairs in bed. Being the next in line in succession, I found myself at the head of the table, leaving Corrina to take plot her own Cranberry Sauce strategy. She won the spot in the middle, a mere 5 inches from the Cranberry Crown of victory. She won this year. Next year, we vowed to each bring two cans; one for each holster. It will be the Cranberry Shootout at the Ocean Spray Corral.
As I sat at the head of the table, mourning my Cranberry Catastrophe and drowning my sorrows in dressing and gravy, a thought occurred to me.
Our family table has changed over the years. Some changes are sad, such as losing my Father-in-law, Dick Winchell who died in 1998. I greatly loved, admired and respected him and it always seems weird when I sit at his spot at the table. But I realized the blessings of that spot. He had a Dad’s eye view of the family. There are good changes at the table. Joni and I have a new daughter-in-law, Britiney. Corrina and Will have a new son, Eli Woodrow. Actually, my eight month old newest nephew was a critical part of my battle plan. I was counting on Corrina being busy with the King of Cute, so I could make my way through the Ocean Spray Obstacle course, and spirit away the Cranberry Sauce. As I pondered the changes in our family table, I wondered about myself. I’ve changed over the years. I’m a little grayer, and more Cranberry shaped, thanks to the roughly 175 pounds of Ocean Spray I’ve consumed over the years. (Give or take). As a Christians, we need to be more concerned about a different kind of fruit. Galatians 5:22, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. I need to myself, “Am I more loving, kind, and gentle in the time since Corrina’s and my last Cranberry Combat? Do people see the fruit of Christ in my life? Am I improving in each of these areas? I hope so. I hope to consume more of Christ this year, and to bear His fruit in my life. In the meantime, just keep passing that Cranberry Sauce!

Bouncing A Spell Check

Spell check is to computers as napkins are to a person eating ribs. It’s a necessity. A wonderful convience. For the non-computer literate, Spell Check works like this. You type a word, a sentence, or novel into your computer. When you are finished, you simply hit a key, and computer checks all of your words to see if they are spelled correctly. If they are not, it will offer you a few choices for you to choose from. It works well…most of the time.
The problem with Spell Check, is that if you misspell a word and your misspelling makes another word, the spell checker won’t spot it. Hence, you need to proofread the document even after Spell Check it.
Let me introduce you to an old computer game. It is called “Spell Check Suicide.” It’s easy to play. Simply forget to proofread a document after you run Spell Check. There are entire volumes of “bulletin bloopers,” that are the results of not checking after Spell Check.
For example, if you leave the “g” out of the word, “sing” you could end up with a printed announcement on a poster like one we had in my first ministry; “Come for a great time, of fun, games and group sinning.” I had a number of people call me and ask me how they can be a part of group sinning. We had a famous blooper a few years ago here, when a “Pantry Shower” turned into a “Panty Shower.” It’s frightening to think about what a few misplaced letters can do.
Let’s go back in time together to a week ago. Joni and I were getting our Christmas letter done. We had proof read it several times. I went back and even made a number of corrections. But I forgot to proofread it after running Spell Check for one last time. One line in our Christmas letter was supposed to read as follows: “Randy turned 20 this year, which made dear old Dad grab the Geritol.” It was a cute line, but not particularly funny. So you can imagine my surprise when a couple of days ago, at a brunch at our house, my mother in law was reading our Christmas letter and started laughing hysterically. She was reading the line above. Because young children may read this, I won’t say exactly what the new version said. If you really want to know, type the word “Geritol” on your computer and then run Spell Check. The first word on the list is what appeared in our Christmas letter. Did I mention we had already mailed out 120 of these to friends and family around Oregon, the United States, and even a foreign missionary? The emails are starting to come in. I have the feeling I’ll still be teased about this in the nursing home in 40 years.
Proof reading is critical. It’s important for the printed word and more important for our lives. In 2 Corinthians 13:5, we are told to proofread our own lives. Are there typos in our temper? Are there misspellings in our morals? Are there errors in our ethics or integrity? When we let the Bible and the Holy Spirit proofread our lives through prayer, study and accountably to other Christians, ours is a life that can be read, free from error.
And remember to use your smell chick.