Being On The Pill

Okay, not THAT pill. This one is much less invasive. Years ago, when I was a kid, someone told me I was so dumb, that I had to stay up all night to study for a blood test. Last week, I’ve discovered that to be true. A while back, I flunked a blood test for high cholesterol.
My doctor gave me this funky food chart. Under each food, there are three headings; Choose. Go Easy On. Avoid. Here’s where I messed up on the test. The foods marked, “avoid,” seemed to make up most of my diet. My four basic food groups are cheeseburgers, hotdogs, pizza and burritos. I also manage to baptize the above items in cheddar cheese, butter, or cream cheese. I didn’t ask, but I’m guessing that Twinkies, Ho Ho’s and Almond Roca are also on the “avoid” list.
So it seems my cholesterol is rising faster than the national debt. My cholesterol is supposed to under 200. According to this cool little chart, if it is 200-239, it’s a little too high. If it is over 240, it is high. Mine was in a category all its own. The heading was something like “funeral home.” I also had the triglycerides level of a hump back whale.
So my doctor put me on this little white pill. You’ve seen the commercials for it. They are funny commercials, so I was happy to go on the pill.
Last week, I went in for a blood test to see if the little white pill was working. The lab tech told me that they would call later in the day with the lab results. I had to run to Canby to visit Carol Finney. I stopped at McDonalds on the way out of town.
So while I was driving to Canby, Joni called me on my cell phone to give me the lab results. The conversation went like this:
“The lab called.”
“What did they say?”
“Your cholesterol is great. The doctor’s office said to keep doing what you are doing.”
At that moment, I was finishing a double cheeseburger!
I love this diet plan!
Okay, so that was likely NOT what my doctor had in mind. I’m guessing that a few of you might say that if I cut down on the cheese burgers, I might not need the cholesterol medication. Come to think of it, cheese burgers ranked right up there with shark wrestling on the list of unhealthy things to do. My problem is that it’s so much easier to take a little white pill than to do diet, exercise and other Richard Simmons activities to stay healthier.
Sometimes I find myself being a Cholesterol Christian. I think many of us want a little white pill that does all the work so we don’t have to. Cholesterol Christians want a little white pill so they don’t have do read their Bibles regularly, pray consistently, tithe generously, or serve sacrificially.
So, I’ll try to get to the gym more often, cut back on the cheeseburgers, and see if I can beat my seventh of a ton body back into shape. We Cholesterol Christian can also get our spiritual lives on track by getting into the Word, and letting God have control of our day timers and check books.
It’s a whole lot better than shark wrestling!