The "Perfect" Church

Usher: “Hi, welcome to the Perfect Church. Our ushers will help you find a seat.”
Visitor #1: “That’s okay, I can seat myself.”
Usher: “Oh, we insist. Our seating gets pretty full. Plus, since most of our membership is people from other churches, we organize our seats into groups based on what church people are from. That way, you can sit with people you are comfortable with.”
Visitor #1: “Okay, that sounds weird, but whatever you say.”
Usher: “Now, what church have you been attending?”
Visitor #1: “I’ve been going to “The Don’tlikethepastorssermon Christian Fellowship.”
Usher: “Very good, the other usher will lead you to your seat. Here is your bulletin. Hi folks, where are you from?”
Visitor #2: ”We’ve been attending “Nothingformykids” Chapel.
Usher: “Over there to your left. Good morning Ma’am, where are you from?”
Visitor #3: “We’ve been attending “I’mnotbeingfed Church.”
Usher: “Oh that is our largest section. Just over to the right.”
Visitor #1 (Calling Usher to his seat): “Could I ask a few questions?”
Usher: “Of course sir. How can I help you?”
Visitor #1: “These padded recliners are comfortable. What are these headsets for?”
Usher: “See that dial next to your seat? We have over 760 channels of Christian music. You simply pick the songs you want to sing, select the style in which you want to sing them, and worship away.”
Visitor #1: “What is that switch?”
Usher: “These are our preaching styles. We have Charles Stanley, Billy Graham and Joel Olsteen just to name a few. We have thousands of popular preachers, preaching their best messages, on any topic you wish.”
Visitor #2 (walks up): “Hi, I notice in your bulletin that you don’t have an offering time.”
Usher: “Oh, no, sir. We don’t want your money.”
Visitor #2: “I also don’t see any volunteer lists.”
Usher: “That’s why we are the perfect church for a lot of people. We don’t want you to do anything. It all exists for you, sir. We don’t make any demands of you. You don’t have to change your lifestyle or beliefs in any way.”
Visitor #3: “I was going to ask about that. Do you have a statement on what your church believes?”
Usher: “I don’t really understand your question.”
Visitor #2: “So, what translation do you use?”
Usher: “Here.” (Hands him a book.)
Visitor #2: (Opens it) “But the pages are blank!”
Usher: “Use the enclosed pen or keyboard. You can write down what you believe and live by that.”
Visitor #1: “Are you saying the perfect church is me?”
Usher: “A lot of people believe that.”
Visitor #3: “Do you folks have any central message?"
Usher: “We do, but it’s a something many people don’t know. Just look up.”
Visitor 2: “Look up?”
Usher: “Sure, most people miss the main message of the church because they are too focused on themselves and forget to look up.”
(All three visitors look up)
Visitor #1: “I see it. It says, ‘On this rock, (Christ) I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.’ (Matthew 16:18) What does that mean?”
Usher: (whispers) “It means that instead of looking for the perfect church, stay at the one you’re at and make it better. But that’s why our attendance is so huge. Most people don’t get that.”
Visitor #2: “I think I will head back to my old church. It’s not perfect, but it’s doing a pretty good job.”
Usher: (chuckles) “I hope we DON'T see you back. (Turns to new visitor) Welcome to the perfect church.”
Visitor #4: “Can you point me to the hot tubs and massage tables?”
Usher: “Right this way.”

Where is YOUR perfect church?